Tu Hai Toh..... I'll Be Alright

Ask any of my friends to mention one thing I do very frequently and they'll reply "Get depressed". They call my depressed state "Jeeta's desp mood". I am basically an extremely sensitive person. My mother says that I used to be a very serious baby and never laughed much. All through my school days I used to cry very often over the silliest things. During my high school days I used to cry almost every week(kinda like a ritual nah??). I used to tell everyone the reason for my tears and after all the comforting from their behalf is over I used to feel pretty silly because the reason why I cried would be something highly stupid. But now i don't cry err.... I mean I don't cry so frequently as I used to. But instead I go into the so called "desp mood".People crowd around me and ask me what happened.But I don't tell them anymore.I just repeat "its nothing","leave it","I'm fine" etc if I'm just moderately depressed. If I am highly depressed I freak out at them with the usual dramatic dialogue "just leave me alone... I don't need anyone". So why have I shut myself in? Why don't I talk it over?I advice all my friends to speak out when they are sad and yet I myself cannot do it... why?? the answer is simple... the reason for my depression is something so silly that no one except me would consider it serious.

Take for example my last "desp mood".It occurred because I tried to repair my laptop (which crashed recently)all by myself and failed miserably. The laptop is kinda like my boyfriend(I named him blossom ... don't laugh...why cant a guy be named blossom???)so I don't want any one else to 'cure' him.. well.... we come back to the fact that the reason is stupid yet for me its serious. Then when I had not yet got over my "desp mood" my friend messaged me about some birthday party he had gone to and enjoyed a lot. I might have replied curtly because he sensed something wrong and asked the usual question:"kya hua re?? something wrong? you don't seem your usual self.". Gosh!! What should I say? Should I say that I'm sad because my laptop is not working?? He would laugh his head off if I said that. So I just send him a 'tell ya later' message. I was wondering what I could tell him later. I couldn't lie because I had very recently given him a lecture on "never lie to your friends'....and telling the truth would make me feel very silly.Then I got this brilliant idea of telling the whole world about my stupidity. If a fact is publicised it doesn't seem silly anymore.. A bollywood star had stomach ache once and the whole of India heard about it...but no one laughed. In fact they offered prayers for him. When I had stomach ache all my friends cracked a series of jokes...maybe if i had published the information on news they wouldn't have laughed so much. Anyway the fact is if I publish my stupidity as a blog it wouldn't be stupid anymore... it would be classified under creative thinking or literary piece of art or something like that nah??

So dear friends have you ever wondered what I'm thinking of when I'm in my "desp mood"?? ok... I know you haven't even thought about that question. But anyway I'll tell you... when the reality seems too harsh to cope with I go off into a world of fantasy. By fantasy I don't mean the kind of fantasy children see about houses made of chocolate or the kind of fantasy guys see about being surrounded by sexy gals who fall over them or the kind of fantasies gals see about their perfect prince charming. In my fantasy I see the world as it is.. I have the same friends and family around me(no extraordinarily hot guy in my fantasy unfortunately).

But the difference between reality and my fantasy is that in my fantasy people react the way I want them to. They talk to me in the tone I like. They look at me the way I like. They call me exactly when I want them to call. They come to me when I need them and they understand me completely. It is kinda like a parallel universe where everything is perfect.

There is a fine line between sanity and insanity. I jump across this line when I'm in my "desp mood". The world I find beyond this line is so beautiful and comforting that I feel like staying there forever. i think it is this world that we refer to as madness. If so wouldn't it be wonderful to be mad.. totally crazy??? Then I could exist in that beautiful world always and never come back to reality.


So what makes me come back? Why am I not totally crack yet?? The answer :because of my friends and family. Yes... I have such wonderful people around me that it makes my life beautiful even though its not perfect. I have friends and family who accept me even I'm weird..even when I freak out at them...even when I shut myself in.... I have people around me on whom I can always depend on..whom I can always trust and love.... and that's what makes reality beautiful...that's what keeps me sane.. love and friendship makes me wanna live forever..and keep me happy inspite of all my frequent "desp moods". So friends thanks for keeping me sane...

PS: My next "desp mood" will be when I see zero comments for this bog.. so for once all of you know the reason for my depression in advance..hehe.....