Friday, January 15, 2010

DON'T NEED NO BUDDY

These days I feel as if I’m not doing anything worthwhile. Just going on living. I need something to look forward to…something to live for… so far my life was totally revolving around friendship. I breathed friendship… and that is my cause for unhappiness. Friendship is a beautiful relationship but when you totally submit yourself to it you get hurt badly. In this harsh reality no one sincerely bothers about friendship. It is just a means of not being alone. It is a means to use up your messaging offer. It is a means of showing the world that you are popular. It is a means of sharing something no one else would bother to listen to. Friends are just taken for granted. Me, being an idiot, didn’t realise it till recently. I just adored friendship. It was all I wanted. I rescheduled my entire life for friendship. My goals, dreams and even my family was pushed back for the sake of my friends.

While people around me got distracted by love I remained uninterested. I failed to realise that friendship is the biggest distraction. I expect a lot of things from my friends. I expect them to care for me as much as I do. But this never happens. Friendship is never given that much of importance by anyone. Within the past two months I have been hurt by three of my great buddies. This has made me totally depressed and devastated. Gosh!! If I had fallen in love I would have only had to suffer a single heartbreak. I really need to stop giving so much of priority to friendship.

One of my friends once said that my problem is that I have too many friends. But that’s wrong. I have very few friends. My problem is that I don’t know who my friends are. I care for people who don’t even need me and neglect the ones who really love me. I spend my time, energy and love on people who have no time for me and ignore the ones who are there every time I need them…

I need to discover what is friendship….. I need to discover who my friends are… I need to realise that it is not the ultimate factor in life…I need to move on…. I need to start living for myself and not just for friendship…..

KUSH!!!

I’m not the happiest person on earth in fact right now I’m the most miserable human alive. But I thought I’ll write a blog entry on how I try to be happy. This not a very successful process but still I feel like writing about it… so here I go..
I’m an extremely sensitive person (a well known fact). If some one hurts me I go all moody and depressed and that too very obviously. Immediately every one around me gets irritated and starts asking me why I’m so sensitive and childish and negative and stubborn and sulky and blah blah blah blah….
Gosh!! I’m this way yaar.. isn’t there anyone who knows how to react when I’m in this mood?? So far the answer is no.. maybe someday some one will come who knows how to behave when I’m in this mood ( very romantic huh??). So since no one else can handle me in this mood I decided to deal with myself…. And here are the things I do ( or try to do) when my sad….

1) Make My Friend Crazy
This is a very refreshing thing to do. You can also try it out. I’ll explain the process.
Step 1: Choose a friend whom you are sure wont slap you hard on your face when you drive them crazy.
Step 2: Jump onto them when they least expect it. The surprise factor is very important else they will do all the talking and drive you crazy instead.
Step 3: Talk the most crazy and nonsensical things you know. This is extremely simple for me since talking nonsense is what I’m best at!!! Just stop thinking and talk….
Result: You are happy and your friend is crazy!!
Precaution: Duration of talk is directly proportional to the temper of the victim chosen. So be careful about how long you talk.

2)Draw
I’m sure this would make you think I’m an artist. You are absolutely wrong. My drawing ability is far inferior to that of a four year old. But here I’m not talking about artistic drawing. I love doodling. Crazy lines… weird twisty figures… song lyrics… and all sorts of dumb things fill the margins of my notebook. The important thing is not what I draw but that I get totally involved in this and thus forget about my unhappiness.

3)Use Lots Of Soap
Taking a soapy bath is the best way to be happy. Don’t laugh… its seriously true. I have an awesome soapy frothy bodywash which I use when I’m miserable (I use a normal soap otherwise k?? don’t get the misconception that I stink when I’m happy). I feel as if I can just wash away my worries and trouble. You get a sort of refreshed and “ready to start anew” feeling when you get out of an extremely soapy bath. I smell extremely sweet when I’m unhappy and the bathroom floor will be extremely slippery (my poor room mates!!)

4) Write
I don’t think I need to specifically say this since majority of my blog entries were written when I was in my crazy mood. I used to write diary entries before I started blogging. But blogs are a better outlet to your feelings. Maybe its not good revealing everything to total strangers but its better than burdening yourself.

5) Forgive
This is the best key to happiness but the most difficult one. I’ve been trying to do this for years and its still a partial failure. Forgive the person who hurt you and forgive yourself for getting hurt. The first part is very easy for me. I don’t know why but I forgive others very easily. Even before a sorry is said I forgive them. But I never forgive myself. Every time some one hurts me I take a lot of time to get over it. This is because I haven’t forgiven myself. I trust people completely and when that trust is broken I blame myself for being stupid. I hate the fact that I’m sensitive… I hate the fact that I get attached very fast… I hate the fact that I expect a lot of care from my friends… I hate the fact that I fight a lot for anything I believe in… I hate my very self…. In short I haven’t forgiven myself for what I am… this is what I really need to do… accept myself and forgive myself…. Happiness will automatically come… forever striving of that ultimate happiness…..