Who am I??? Kaun hu mein???

What is blogging? Well.. For me it is a means of communicating my feelings and views… But now I discovered the potential danger of blogging.. Not danger exactly but I realised that blogging has a negative side as well… Through my blogs I have revealed my character….my opinions…my attitudes… and in short… myself… I got a few praises for my writing (I emphasise FEW L ) and I was quite happy with that… I even got a few friends because of my blog… But recently I met a guy online who claimed he has read all my blogposts and it must be true since he could quote word to word from my blog. Though he didn’t seem a very interesting person I was happy that someone took so much interest in my writing. I didn’t accept his friend request because I wanted to know him better. I think this hurt his ego and he started asking me why I wrote such lies in my blog… You know what?? From my blog he derived my character as ‘A girl who is calm… become friends quickly… and doesn’t argue…’. Gosh!! That is so NOT me.. Is that what I conveyed through my blogs?? Is that how people who read my blog interpret it?? Then he started getting a little insulting and irritating and so I decided to add him to my ‘ignore list’ and guess what?? He has already added me… wow!! He pesters me and now he has blocked me.. Great!! Everything becomes the other way round.. Well.. Either way the communication has ceased so let’s just say… alls well that ends well (this is the actual quote ryte?? ).

Then I made a new post and within a day I got a comment from another guy… Awesome!!! I was really happy because usually my post would have to wait atleast a month to get even a small comment… I opened the comment with great expectation… ooof!! It was long.. Indeed really long compared to my usual comments which would be just “good work”, “nice writing” etc.. But the whole comment was just SOMETHING.. I described it as ‘something’ because it was so strange and confusing that I didn’t even know if it was a positive or negative comment… Ahh.. Whatever..at least I got a comment nah?? I was happy..
Then my sis commented…. I was really really really really happy… and then the same person commented again.. This time it was directed at my sister…about how she should learn to write like me.. That was the most idiotic and crazy thing I have ever heard… my sister has a way of writing which no one can ever beat.. especially her second blog truly brings out her talent.. And this idiot thinks she should change that and write like me… ME!!!

Then I understood what kind of people read my blogs…. People who don’t even understand what I write.. People who can’t distinguish between a masterpiece and an amateur’s work.. I felt so depressed that I wanted to give up writing forever…..

Then I went back and read my first blog… the only one that was a real success.. And I realised maybe if I just keep on writing when the urge possesses me I’ll be able to create something good.. And I decided not to bother about comments anymore.. Whatever you may write and how well you may write there will be no one who will truly understand it.. And at the end of it all it doesn’t matter whether anyone understands me.. Because I know myself really well.. I know who I am.. I know how I make relations.. I know my strengths and weaknesses.. And I am the perfect judge for my character.. So who cares what people say??? Sometimes it does hurt when people misunderstand you and you feel as if you wanna put them right (I was blocked by that first guy before I could correct his opinion). But do I gain anything from that?? I will still be the same Jeeta whatever others think of me.. So the answer to my title ‘who am I?’ can only be answered by myself.. And I’m not gonna expect anyone else to answer it….

PS: The good part about all this misunderstandings and comments is that I got a topic to write about.. See.. In life everything happens for a reason…
By the way do listen to the song ‘who am I? kaun hu mein’ . It’s kinda sweet and romantic.. But nice..

SHAYAD YEHI HAI PYAAR…..

What is love??? Love is that bond which binds two strangers so close together that it makes them forget the world.. makes them believe that no one else exists and nothing else matters… They go off to a dream planet where the only inhabitants are both of them… A place so exclusive for them that no one else is welcome… where no one else can approach…
What is friendship?? Friendship is that bond which never binds anyone… a bond which can be shared with everyone… a bond that allows freedom… a bond that is not jealous… a bond that is not selfish…. A bond which is often mistaken for love…. But which is entirely different from love….
And you know what’s the difference between love and friendship?? Love tries to destroy friendship while friendship tries to accommodate love…

As I have often said, my personal experience with love is null… all I know about it is what I see around me… and as far as that is concerned I am not much in favour with this idea of being in love…
As you know most of my blogs are based on my personal stories… so let me tell you my story.. I have a friend.. A great friend… maybe not a very very close friends because we have known each other only for two years.. But still a very great friend of mine… so this friend (it’s a guy by the way) is a very friendly fellow and hence he has a lot of friends… everyone likes his company… they love talking to him… and he’s very popular… So life is going on cool when suddenly he falls in love.. Or rather he realises he has fallen in love with his childhood friend… Great!!! We are all happy for him because this is exactly the same girl we have been teasing him with.. So wow!! Finally they are together… yippee!!

But…. This changes everything.. He is no longer that friendly guy anymore.. He becomes all serious.. He cuts off all contacts.. No messages.. No phone calls… not even a smile… he has just totally forgotten everyone… he is no longer interested in anything except his girl… he has finally got the person of his dreams and so everyone else becomes useless…

Is this love?? Is this the romantic feeling everyone waits for and talks about so much.. Is forgetting your friends and hurting them so painfully the definition for love?? This is not a single example… it is something that happens almost all the time… maybe not in such a severe way.. But everyone who falls in love ceases to give importance to friendship…

But friendship still grows even when its hurt… which is why all his friends still contact him… still try to keep in touch with him… so isn’t friendship a much more beautiful and meaningful relationship than love… but no one will ever understand that… because in love there is glamour and passion while friendship is just a “taken for granted” relationship… I hope I will be able to hold on to friendship even when love binds me… and I hope that everyone realise that both are equally important to make our lives beautiful….

ENTER MY LOVE STORY

I am 17.99 years old and so far I have never fallen in love or so everyone thinks. Most people say I’m too sensible to fall in love (is love insensible??)… some say I’m scared to fall in love (is love scary??)… some say I’m very unromantic… and many say that no guy would ever fall for me (I’m not lovable huh??). So let me tell you the reason why I haven’t fallen in love yet… I discovered the reason only yesterday….
First of all let me tell you, I’m a very romantic girl. Romantic not in the sense that I swoon over guys and talk sweetly to them but I live in a dream world most of the time… Yesterday I was walking outside just after the rain was over…. I had just taken a bath… my hair was loose, wet and untidy… it was really cool outside… the wind was blowing through my hair… and I was feeling totally refreshed… I was shaking the flowers teeming with raindrops and letting the spray onto my face… then I felt love… I got a feeling of happiness… an urge to live forever…. A feeling of wanting to smile always… a feeling which my friends describe as love….

Everyday after tution I can either walk home or take an auto… none of my friends live near my house so if I walk I would be alone.. Besides it is burning hot these day and by the time I reach home I would be dripping with perspiration…yet I walk home… it’s a very boring way… with nothing new… just a way along the highway with vehicles rushing by… working people returning home and lot of sneering guys hanging around commenting… still I like that feeling of being on my own… to observe the life around me… I found out a sweet little place which is over run with creepers… I don’t know if it’s a house or an old office… it seems abandoned… I imagine myself living there.. In that messy, raw place… all the other buildings are so boringly neat… then there is an overbridge… looking down from there is really awesome… you feel as if you are above everyone… again I feel love… even in that ‘drenched with sweat’ condition I feel love (it’s indeed true that love is unconditional…)

I have a great friend….I just love his voice.. It just mesmerises me.. I very often talk about him to my friends… and as usual they see it as love… once one of my friends asked me to describe him… and u know what?? I couldn’t even remember if he had a moustache…. I was in the same class with him for two years and I never noticed that!!!

I was describing an awesome shirt I saw on a guy in my class to my friends…. They asked me who it was… I hadn’t noticed that…. I was so immersed in that cool shirt that I didn’t bother to see who was wearing it….

My sister loves grooming me… she has a large variety of creams and lotions and stuff which is supposed to make me beautiful… I don’t like having those sticky mess on my face and I never turn beautiful after the whole process… but still I allow her to do it… I love to just sit back and relax while she pampers me… I love to listen to her … her advice to take more care about my looks… and her shocked remarks about the number of blackheads and pimples on my face… I faithfully promise to be more girlie and use the face pack regularly and I very faithfully break my promise always… she would cease pampering me if I became beautiful nah??? I feel love when I hear her talk.. I feel love when I argue with her over the reasons for not wearing that paste on my face… and I feel love when I realise that she likes doing such things for me… isn’t that the most meaningful love I can ever experience???

I love walking around without my specs (I have short sight).. I can never recognise anyone without my specs.. But still it’s fun watching the world in a mist… when everything is a blur you notice more things..

So that’s me… in everyone’s eyes I’m vague… but I give so much importance for the little delights of life and fall in love with them that I am not ready for the big thing… and that’s the reason I haven’t fallen in love yet… but maybe one day I’ll cease being fascinated by such minor things and go searching for bigger pleasures… so far this is my love story… but picture abhi baki hai meri dost…

A SILLY POEM BY A SILLY GAL

If I were a butterfly
You would gaze at me flying high
If I were a honey bee
You would listen to me buzzing with glee
If I were a pussy cat
You would rub and give me a pat
If I were a bright red rose
You would sniff your delicate nose
If I were a pretty rainbow
Once you see me you’ll never go
If I were a precious jewel
To make me yours you would duel
If I were a rock king
You would love to hear me sing
If I were a sports star
To see my game you would travel far
If I were Aiswarya Rai
Just to see me you would even die
If I were your dream girl
You would kiss and give me a pearl

But since I’m just your best friend
In your list of priorities I would be at the end
But I would give you my all and more
Coz friendship is the only thing I live for

I LOVE BIKES

Let me make it clear from the start that my knowledge about bikes is null. All I know is that I love bikes and go crazy over them. Yes, it’s possible to be passionate about bikes inspite of being totally ignorant about their technical aspects. My dad has a bike. It’s a Rajdoot. I wonder if anyone has even heard about such a model. It can be better described as a piece of antique. It has been with us ever since I can remember infact it was with my dad even before I was born. We have nicknamed it “Dhug Dhuk” because it makes a kinda funny sound.
Before we bought a four wheeler the bike was our only means of transport. The four of us have jam packed ourselves onto it and driven off to so many places. It is still a wonder to me how we all managed to squeeze into it and rode off from Trivandrum to Iddukki and back again without any major calamities. I , being the youngest , had to sit on the petrol tank. This was really cool for me because I could pretend that I was riding the bike and having races with imaginary foes.

As I grew up (I had to sit at the back since I become tall) I started feeling uncomfortable with my bike. I have had innumerable extremely embarrassing moments on my bike. It just breaks down in the middle of the road and refuses to start inspite of furious kicks by my dad while I try my best to look as if the bike doesn’t belong to me(this is difficult since I’m sitting on it).When the horning and rude remarks by those drivers unfortunate enough to be caught behind us become unbearable the bike would be pushed to the nearest garage by my dad and I would be left to walk back home.

Freaky guys on gleaming, super fast bikes jeered at my poor old rajdoot. Though I still loved my “Dhug Dhuk” I started wishing for something new. Then we bought an activa which is a scooter as you all know. It was new, fast, smooth and most importantly not embarrassing. I told my friends about my “new” scooter and proudly went on it with my dad. But I felt something missing. Activa was too smooth and devoid of anything exciting. It lacked that power I used to feel on my old bike. So it was sold and we went back to our Rajdoot again.
My dad is an extremely careful driver and so I never had a chance to experience the feel of racing through the traffic which is something all bike riders talk about (besides rajdoot couldn’t go that fast). I always wanted to try out this so called “craze for race” and once I got a chance. My family friend took me on his bike. He was driving so fast that I could make out only blurs of what was around me. The wind was blowing in all possible directions that it totally confused me. In movies the wind blows in only a single direction and the heroine’s hair blows back romantically. My hair on the other hand was a total mess by the time we reached our destination. I was shivering since the above mentioned wind was also extremely cold and apart from that there had been many sudden brakes and jolting starts (as we all know Indian roads are definitely not meant for racing). This incident killed my racing spirit.

So if I don’t like racing why the hell do I say I love bikes because according to everyone bikes = speed. What I like best about bikes is the energy we feel while riding them….the strong , secure feeling you get when the machine vibrates beneath you.. the way this majestic device slides along a side road….the ability of this magnificent two wheeler to squeeze through the tiniest gaps in a traffic block and yet it does not appear to be insignificant…

Bikes (driven at a normal speed) make me happy. Going on my dad’s bikes especially at night is something truly wonderful. While going along a lonely pitch dark road (power cut going on) with the headlight giving just minimum light I feel as if I’m sliding through air. It gives me a feeling of flying at ground level. It’s a feeling only a bike can give you.

Now my biggest desire is to ride a bike. People laugh when I say this because it seems you need strength and muscles to ride a bike and I have neither. But maybe one day I’ll grow fat and strong and can ride a truly cool bike. But till then my “dhug dhuk” will continue to give me powerful moments to cherish forever.

PS: It was midnight when I wrote this blog and I had my maths board exam the next day. I think that is evidence enough for my passion for bikes.

EXCUSE ME!!!

Men have a long list of complaints about women. They look down upon women due to certain preconceived notions they have. They generalise all women to be the same and are shocked to see any one who is a little different.Here I'm gonna list down the EXCUSES we girls have for being the way we are.I emphasise the word excuses because thats what they are... not reasons but excuses...What we are is what we make of ourselves.No one can change us if we are strong enough to face influences boldly... strong enough to stand up for what we believe in... strong enough to break out of the chains which the society imposes on us...
One more thing I wish to say before I start... girls too have many fixed notions about men. But the reason why I am not mentioning excuses for men is not because I'm a 'man hater' or a 'female chauvanist' [my first blog post awarded me those titles] but because the generalised ideas about men are basically quite good. Notions like all men are brave,clever,strong,secure,free,not silly etc do not need excuses because I'm sure any man would love to be described like this.So let me go on to "The excuses for why women are they way they are".



1.GENERAL NOTION: Women are silly.They play with barbie dolls and teddy bears. They have no interest in cars or bikes and hardly know anything about them...

EXCUSE:When a girl child is born relatives and friends cover her with stuffed toys,toy kitchen sets and barbie dolls.She grows up with these and assumes that it is all the world has there to offer her.Her extremely possessive brother does not allow her to touch his 'manly toys'. If the guy plays with dolls he is accused of being 'girlie'.

2.GENERAL NOTION:Girls dress up so much. They spent hours on make up,jewellery and shopping.With every dress they need matching ornaments and accessories.

EXCUSE:
"When a guy stands up to speak
The audience listen.
If they like what they hear.. they look at him.

When a girl stands up to speak
The audience look at her.
If they like what they see.. they listen."
-Anonymous (actually I forgot where I read this quote).

Women are judged 'more' by their appearance than guys. In any gathering we can see that people crowd around the most gorgeous girl in the room. (of course when they later realise that she is just looks and nothing more they disperse).But the fact remains that people are attracted by feminine beauty(even if it's artificial) more than a strong character whereas among guys a good attitude is enough to attract people.A girl who is not so well groomed but with a pleasing personality will surely get along well but it needs time. We also have this very conservative attitude that women and jewellery are inseparable. I hate almost all sorts of jewellery and hence I very rarely wear them. Once I wore a chain and all my friends remarked:"Wow Jeeta!! you became a girl".Wasn't I a girl before that? Do I have to wear a chain to prove my feminity? But when the society pesters you with these unwritten rules of how a women should be girls unknowingly tend to accept them...


3.GENERAL NOTION:Girls are extremely sensitive.They cry over the silliest things(best example:me).They cove their eyes when they see wrestling or boxing(again best example is me. I hate violence). They hate movies where the hero is punched and kicked and thrown around and almost dies only to finally arise and punch and kick and throw away the villans(A typical movie).

EXCUSE: As a child, when a girl cries she is fussed and kissed. She is asked the reason for her tears and a solution is given immediately.WHen a boy child cries he is teased and called a "mommy's boy"(Mothers usually fuss and kiss boy children too).Crying has been termed a 'girls only' thing for ages. So girls don't feel ashamed of crying but guys do.
When a girl hits her friend she is asked not to do so because it's not 'ladylike' to punch or kick. when a guy hits his friend he may be scolded but the concluding statement would be "guys will be guys..". Yes,guys are expected to fight physically..punch and get punched.. while girls are expected to just watch on.. occasionally wimpering and wiping away tears..and keeping away at a safe distance...


4.GENERAL NOTION: Girls are weak. They cannot fight or defend themselves. They cannot save themselves from their 'enemies'.

EXCUSE:
"Cowards die a thousand deaths
The brave never tastes of death but once"
(My apologies to Shakespeare if the quotation is not exactly correct)

Anyway the reason why women are weak is due to fear. As soon as a girl reaches her adolescence she is bombarded with stories of raping,woman abuse,eve teasing,flesh trade etc. She grows up i a state of extreme fear.In every gesture and every move she fears attack. As soon as darkness surrounds a woman who is alone, thoughts of all the gruesome rape cases pass he mind.this fear numbs he actions. When face with danger she cannot give her whole strength to save herself.
Due to many physical factors women cannot be as strong as men. There are times when we have to rest and cannot over exert ourselves.But the real reason why we are weak is not physical. It is dues to fear... and unnecessary fear which the world impose on us at an young age.


5.GENERAL NOTION: Women cannot make decisions. In a crisis they fail miserably. They loose their head and go around confused.

EXCUSE: As I mentioned before when a girl cries people comfort her and offer solutions while guys try to comfort themselves because crying would make them less 'manly'. This is one excuse. As a child,parents take decisions for us irrespective of whether we are a girl or a boy. But once we cross 18yrs guys are 'generally' given more freedom to choose higher studies and careers of their choice while there is a constrain for girls. According to th society (I am really against this society as you might have guessed by now) a woman should be married by the age of 23 or at least 25.So all higher studies and career pursuits are so decided by the parents such that it is all over and done with by the time the girl attains 'marriagable age'. A guy whom the family thinks is suitable is chosen and the girl is 'happily married'. A girl is brought up very carefully and given limited options for deciding on her own so that when she reached 'marriagable age' she will not rebel to the 'suitable mathc' her family finds for her. A girl is expected to dedicate her life for a man. So why does she need to make decisions?? The man would do it for her...



The difference between a man and a woman is merely physical. Everything else is just a false conception that we have. There is nothing we can generalise about a man or a woman. There are girls who are not 'girlie' and guys who cry.I urge the society not to impose such 'guys should be manly' and girls should me feminine' rules on the younger generation. The youth today has a spark of daring...a will to accept changes and a mind to think beyond the ordinary... I wish the society would not kill off this spirit within us and allow us to be the way we wish to be and not the way they want us to be. Be proud of who you are and never limit your dreams just because you were born as a man or a woman.. it honestly makes no difference. so remember men can cry and women can fight. It only needs courage to change the centuries old perceptions...


PS: Special mention to my brother who freaked out at me for generalising the idea "all men are MCPs". I realised nothing can be generalised. Even if all men I meet are so there are many more who are different.It takes will power to reject our fixed ideas and accept that each individual is unique and rare.

Tu Hai Toh..... I'll Be Alright

Ask any of my friends to mention one thing I do very frequently and they'll reply "Get depressed". They call my depressed state "Jeeta's desp mood". I am basically an extremely sensitive person. My mother says that I used to be a very serious baby and never laughed much. All through my school days I used to cry very often over the silliest things. During my high school days I used to cry almost every week(kinda like a ritual nah??). I used to tell everyone the reason for my tears and after all the comforting from their behalf is over I used to feel pretty silly because the reason why I cried would be something highly stupid. But now i don't cry err.... I mean I don't cry so frequently as I used to. But instead I go into the so called "desp mood".People crowd around me and ask me what happened.But I don't tell them anymore.I just repeat "its nothing","leave it","I'm fine" etc if I'm just moderately depressed. If I am highly depressed I freak out at them with the usual dramatic dialogue "just leave me alone... I don't need anyone". So why have I shut myself in? Why don't I talk it over?I advice all my friends to speak out when they are sad and yet I myself cannot do it... why?? the answer is simple... the reason for my depression is something so silly that no one except me would consider it serious.

Take for example my last "desp mood".It occurred because I tried to repair my laptop (which crashed recently)all by myself and failed miserably. The laptop is kinda like my boyfriend(I named him blossom ... don't laugh...why cant a guy be named blossom???)so I don't want any one else to 'cure' him.. well.... we come back to the fact that the reason is stupid yet for me its serious. Then when I had not yet got over my "desp mood" my friend messaged me about some birthday party he had gone to and enjoyed a lot. I might have replied curtly because he sensed something wrong and asked the usual question:"kya hua re?? something wrong? you don't seem your usual self.". Gosh!! What should I say? Should I say that I'm sad because my laptop is not working?? He would laugh his head off if I said that. So I just send him a 'tell ya later' message. I was wondering what I could tell him later. I couldn't lie because I had very recently given him a lecture on "never lie to your friends'....and telling the truth would make me feel very silly.Then I got this brilliant idea of telling the whole world about my stupidity. If a fact is publicised it doesn't seem silly anymore.. A bollywood star had stomach ache once and the whole of India heard about it...but no one laughed. In fact they offered prayers for him. When I had stomach ache all my friends cracked a series of jokes...maybe if i had published the information on news they wouldn't have laughed so much. Anyway the fact is if I publish my stupidity as a blog it wouldn't be stupid anymore... it would be classified under creative thinking or literary piece of art or something like that nah??

So dear friends have you ever wondered what I'm thinking of when I'm in my "desp mood"?? ok... I know you haven't even thought about that question. But anyway I'll tell you... when the reality seems too harsh to cope with I go off into a world of fantasy. By fantasy I don't mean the kind of fantasy children see about houses made of chocolate or the kind of fantasy guys see about being surrounded by sexy gals who fall over them or the kind of fantasies gals see about their perfect prince charming. In my fantasy I see the world as it is.. I have the same friends and family around me(no extraordinarily hot guy in my fantasy unfortunately).

But the difference between reality and my fantasy is that in my fantasy people react the way I want them to. They talk to me in the tone I like. They look at me the way I like. They call me exactly when I want them to call. They come to me when I need them and they understand me completely. It is kinda like a parallel universe where everything is perfect.

There is a fine line between sanity and insanity. I jump across this line when I'm in my "desp mood". The world I find beyond this line is so beautiful and comforting that I feel like staying there forever. i think it is this world that we refer to as madness. If so wouldn't it be wonderful to be mad.. totally crazy??? Then I could exist in that beautiful world always and never come back to reality.


So what makes me come back? Why am I not totally crack yet?? The answer :because of my friends and family. Yes... I have such wonderful people around me that it makes my life beautiful even though its not perfect. I have friends and family who accept me even I'm weird..even when I freak out at them...even when I shut myself in.... I have people around me on whom I can always depend on..whom I can always trust and love.... and that's what makes reality beautiful...that's what keeps me sane.. love and friendship makes me wanna live forever..and keep me happy inspite of all my frequent "desp moods". So friends thanks for keeping me sane...

PS: My next "desp mood" will be when I see zero comments for this bog.. so for once all of you know the reason for my depression in advance..hehe.....