DON'T NEED NO BUDDY

These days I feel as if I’m not doing anything worthwhile. Just going on living. I need something to look forward to…something to live for… so far my life was totally revolving around friendship. I breathed friendship… and that is my cause for unhappiness. Friendship is a beautiful relationship but when you totally submit yourself to it you get hurt badly. In this harsh reality no one sincerely bothers about friendship. It is just a means of not being alone. It is a means to use up your messaging offer. It is a means of showing the world that you are popular. It is a means of sharing something no one else would bother to listen to. Friends are just taken for granted. Me, being an idiot, didn’t realise it till recently. I just adored friendship. It was all I wanted. I rescheduled my entire life for friendship. My goals, dreams and even my family was pushed back for the sake of my friends.

While people around me got distracted by love I remained uninterested. I failed to realise that friendship is the biggest distraction. I expect a lot of things from my friends. I expect them to care for me as much as I do. But this never happens. Friendship is never given that much of importance by anyone. Within the past two months I have been hurt by three of my great buddies. This has made me totally depressed and devastated. Gosh!! If I had fallen in love I would have only had to suffer a single heartbreak. I really need to stop giving so much of priority to friendship.

One of my friends once said that my problem is that I have too many friends. But that’s wrong. I have very few friends. My problem is that I don’t know who my friends are. I care for people who don’t even need me and neglect the ones who really love me. I spend my time, energy and love on people who have no time for me and ignore the ones who are there every time I need them…

I need to discover what is friendship….. I need to discover who my friends are… I need to realise that it is not the ultimate factor in life…I need to move on…. I need to start living for myself and not just for friendship…..

KUSH!!!

I’m not the happiest person on earth in fact right now I’m the most miserable human alive. But I thought I’ll write a blog entry on how I try to be happy. This not a very successful process but still I feel like writing about it… so here I go..
I’m an extremely sensitive person (a well known fact). If some one hurts me I go all moody and depressed and that too very obviously. Immediately every one around me gets irritated and starts asking me why I’m so sensitive and childish and negative and stubborn and sulky and blah blah blah blah….
Gosh!! I’m this way yaar.. isn’t there anyone who knows how to react when I’m in this mood?? So far the answer is no.. maybe someday some one will come who knows how to behave when I’m in this mood ( very romantic huh??). So since no one else can handle me in this mood I decided to deal with myself…. And here are the things I do ( or try to do) when my sad….

1) Make My Friend Crazy
This is a very refreshing thing to do. You can also try it out. I’ll explain the process.
Step 1: Choose a friend whom you are sure wont slap you hard on your face when you drive them crazy.
Step 2: Jump onto them when they least expect it. The surprise factor is very important else they will do all the talking and drive you crazy instead.
Step 3: Talk the most crazy and nonsensical things you know. This is extremely simple for me since talking nonsense is what I’m best at!!! Just stop thinking and talk….
Result: You are happy and your friend is crazy!!
Precaution: Duration of talk is directly proportional to the temper of the victim chosen. So be careful about how long you talk.

2)Draw
I’m sure this would make you think I’m an artist. You are absolutely wrong. My drawing ability is far inferior to that of a four year old. But here I’m not talking about artistic drawing. I love doodling. Crazy lines… weird twisty figures… song lyrics… and all sorts of dumb things fill the margins of my notebook. The important thing is not what I draw but that I get totally involved in this and thus forget about my unhappiness.

3)Use Lots Of Soap
Taking a soapy bath is the best way to be happy. Don’t laugh… its seriously true. I have an awesome soapy frothy bodywash which I use when I’m miserable (I use a normal soap otherwise k?? don’t get the misconception that I stink when I’m happy). I feel as if I can just wash away my worries and trouble. You get a sort of refreshed and “ready to start anew” feeling when you get out of an extremely soapy bath. I smell extremely sweet when I’m unhappy and the bathroom floor will be extremely slippery (my poor room mates!!)

4) Write
I don’t think I need to specifically say this since majority of my blog entries were written when I was in my crazy mood. I used to write diary entries before I started blogging. But blogs are a better outlet to your feelings. Maybe its not good revealing everything to total strangers but its better than burdening yourself.

5) Forgive
This is the best key to happiness but the most difficult one. I’ve been trying to do this for years and its still a partial failure. Forgive the person who hurt you and forgive yourself for getting hurt. The first part is very easy for me. I don’t know why but I forgive others very easily. Even before a sorry is said I forgive them. But I never forgive myself. Every time some one hurts me I take a lot of time to get over it. This is because I haven’t forgiven myself. I trust people completely and when that trust is broken I blame myself for being stupid. I hate the fact that I’m sensitive… I hate the fact that I get attached very fast… I hate the fact that I expect a lot of care from my friends… I hate the fact that I fight a lot for anything I believe in… I hate my very self…. In short I haven’t forgiven myself for what I am… this is what I really need to do… accept myself and forgive myself…. Happiness will automatically come… forever striving of that ultimate happiness…..

Jigsaw!!

These are just random stuff that floated across my mind… I have been typing them down for some time and suddenly I thought I’ll just collect it together and publish it as a post…. All the paragraphs are totally unconnected and confusing… but then it can also be described as abstract writing huh?? :D

LIFE ROCKZ!!!!

Life is beautiful if you accept it as it is. Stop dreaming about how it could be and start loving the way it is. When feeling completely depressed think of one really happy part of your life and ponder whether anyone else could have such a happy moment. You’ll realise how beautiful your life is.

Each person is unique the way they are. No one can steal our identity. Even if another person’s life may seem beautiful only the person himself/herself knows how it is really. Get pleasure out of the simple things in life - walking in the rain….. reading an exciting book with a bar of chocolate at your side…… taking a beauty bath…… writing a testimonial for someone who least expects it……. loving…..

Love is an unique emotion… it can make your life meaningful…. it is a bond that can exist between anyone….a mother and child…..between siblings…..between friends….in short it is something that can happen anywhere, anytime and between anyone….. Love can hurt….but that makes it divine…. It a a bond that makes us forget the shortcomings of another person and accept the person as he/she is…

INCOMPLETE

We can never quench the eternal thirst of our heart…. But then it was never meant to be quenched…. It is this thirst for more that keeps life going…. If you wanna live you need to have something to work for… something you really need…..something you are willing to die for or rather willing to live for … When you have everything you ever need you cease to exist… When there is something incomplete… when you feel an emptiness which needs to be filled… you get the urge to search… to discover…


WHY GROW UP???

Why grow up and loose your innocence??? Why grow up and become suspicious of everything?? Why grow up and be conscious of your every action?? Why grow up and stop doing all the crazy things you love to do?? Why grow up and suppress all your feelings?? Why grow up and hide everything you wanna say or do just because its different??

Children are not bothered about what others think of them. Children are not suspicious of others and believe everything they hear. Children don’t hide their feelings. They cry when they are hurt, laugh when they are happy and reveal how exactly they feel about others. Children do not stop themselves from doing something just because its not the usual thing to do…

Being a child is so awesome… Yet we all strive to grow up… but why??? I’m very often called “childish” and teased for my lack of maturity… I am extremely emotional. If I’m hurt I’ll cry.. If I’m happy I’ll laugh(I have an idiotic laugh by the way). If I’m angry I’ll shout (extremely loudly). If I like someone I say it openly and if don’t like someone I’ll show my dislike openly…. If I have an opinion I speak vehemently about it. I become damn attached to my friends and it breaks my heart if they don’t act the way I expect them to act. I do and speak crazy things when I’m in a crazy mood…

I don’t consider these as immature actions…. it’s the way we all act naturally… but once we strive to grow up we tend to suppress these natural tendencies.. We begin to be conscious of others… we are so bothered about what others would think about us that we forget to think about what actually makes us happy… everything we say or do becomes according to some invisible rule written by the society….

But the world is a cruel place… it makes us grow up too soon… the innocent gets cheated… beliefs get destroyed… and revealing too much of your emotions makes it easy for others to hurt you. Growing up may not give you true happiness but at least you can avoid getting hurt….. So I’m in a never ending conflict with myself…. I haven’t decided yet whether I should grow up….

KOI YAAR NAZAAR NAHI ATHA.. JAB PYAAR HOTA HAI.....

How can a person forget his friends just because he fell in love??? How can a person break his promises just because he fell in love??? How can a person hurt others just because he fell in love??? How can a person become totally emotionless to friends just because he fell in love??? How can a person neglect his friends totally and remember them only in need just because he fell in love???

I cannot answer these questions because I’ve never been in love…. Maybe these questions don’t have an answer…. Or maybe these are not questions but a definition for love….

ZINDAGI ROCKZ!!!

It’s been a really long time since I wrote a blog. All my friends got exhausted asking me to write a new post and I too lost interest in it. Then I joined college and made new friends. They read my blog and thus after a large span of time I started getting comments on my blog. This suddenly renewed my writing interest and I wanted to write a new entry. But what should I write about?? I have been sitting in front of my laptop for over an hour and I still cant get a good topic. What has happened to me?? Words usually flow out once I touch the keyboard. My friend suggested that I write about college life. So lemme try doing that…

I have entered a totally different stage in my life. I’m staying away from home for the first time. For a mother’s pet like me this was something really difficult. I felt as if I was alone in a strange land. Hostel life seemed so weird and I kept wondering how I would be able to live among such total strangers. College was another eerie place. I liked my class the very first day itself but since I need a lot of time to mingle with people I was totally silent there initially. Then there was this perpetual fear of our seniors. We were given a huge lecture on “How to behave towards seniors” in our hostel. I was really in an extremely confused state for a long time.

Then I started being close with my hostel mates. We used to sit together and chat till midnight. I started loving my hostel. I became so comfortable with them that I felt as if I was back home. Hostel life became so much fun… sharing jokes.. Teasing each other.. Listening to music… dancing… playing.. The list goes on and on…. Homesickness seemed to have disappeared almost completely… Washing our own clothes and adjusting to the weird food was really difficult. During every meal we spent half the time trying to find out what exactly we were eating(everything tastes and looks so different and horrible from what we get at home). Washing clothes was like a ritual. We are totally devoted to it and do it daily coz if we miss one day we will have a huger pile the next day(and no mom to do it for us). All of us are from different places so even though we speak Malayalam every has a different way of speaking. Initially none of us understood each other but now we all have acquired the art of decoding the various dialects. All this became part of the fun. We became totally bonded…. We became a family…

College was still a little weird. Some of the classes were so boring that I was perpetually yawning. In the first year we have to learn so many unrelated subjects that it drives me crazy. I came to learn computer science then why the hell do I have to learn mechanics and graphics and gosh!! We even have environmental studies!!!!! Then we have a really dumb uniform. The salwar is white which makes it extremely difficult to wash. The shawl has to be worn in a ’V’ shape which totally irritates me (Imagine having a ’V’ on your chest the whole day). I hated wearing our crazy uniform and going to college everyday. I also got caught a lot of times by my seniors which killed my spirit.

But then slowly I started knowing more people… discovering new friends… and became really close with some… Then even the most boring class became fun…. Commenting…. Scribbling notes… talking nonsense… playing silly games… I started truly enjoying college life… Now I simply love going to college (I still hate our uniform)… There are still lots of students I need to know…need to be friends with… each day I discover someone new.. Each day I grow fonder of my class… each day I become closer to my college..

At the end of it all friendship is what brings true happiness. Even if we join the most popular college… even if we live in the most expensive hostel… even if we have everything our heart desires… we will never be truly contented without friends…. I am very close with my family and it broke my heart staying away from them… But now I have adjusted so well to my new circumstances that I have surprised myself…. I feel more mature and grown up… Once you get friends any place becomes heaven…. Life rockzzz!!!!

PS: Special thanx to my friends for inspriring me to write again... but this seems to be a really short blogpost... will write a more detailed one later...

Who am I??? Kaun hu mein???

What is blogging? Well.. For me it is a means of communicating my feelings and views… But now I discovered the potential danger of blogging.. Not danger exactly but I realised that blogging has a negative side as well… Through my blogs I have revealed my character….my opinions…my attitudes… and in short… myself… I got a few praises for my writing (I emphasise FEW L ) and I was quite happy with that… I even got a few friends because of my blog… But recently I met a guy online who claimed he has read all my blogposts and it must be true since he could quote word to word from my blog. Though he didn’t seem a very interesting person I was happy that someone took so much interest in my writing. I didn’t accept his friend request because I wanted to know him better. I think this hurt his ego and he started asking me why I wrote such lies in my blog… You know what?? From my blog he derived my character as ‘A girl who is calm… become friends quickly… and doesn’t argue…’. Gosh!! That is so NOT me.. Is that what I conveyed through my blogs?? Is that how people who read my blog interpret it?? Then he started getting a little insulting and irritating and so I decided to add him to my ‘ignore list’ and guess what?? He has already added me… wow!! He pesters me and now he has blocked me.. Great!! Everything becomes the other way round.. Well.. Either way the communication has ceased so let’s just say… alls well that ends well (this is the actual quote ryte?? ).

Then I made a new post and within a day I got a comment from another guy… Awesome!!! I was really happy because usually my post would have to wait atleast a month to get even a small comment… I opened the comment with great expectation… ooof!! It was long.. Indeed really long compared to my usual comments which would be just “good work”, “nice writing” etc.. But the whole comment was just SOMETHING.. I described it as ‘something’ because it was so strange and confusing that I didn’t even know if it was a positive or negative comment… Ahh.. Whatever..at least I got a comment nah?? I was happy..
Then my sis commented…. I was really really really really happy… and then the same person commented again.. This time it was directed at my sister…about how she should learn to write like me.. That was the most idiotic and crazy thing I have ever heard… my sister has a way of writing which no one can ever beat.. especially her second blog truly brings out her talent.. And this idiot thinks she should change that and write like me… ME!!!

Then I understood what kind of people read my blogs…. People who don’t even understand what I write.. People who can’t distinguish between a masterpiece and an amateur’s work.. I felt so depressed that I wanted to give up writing forever…..

Then I went back and read my first blog… the only one that was a real success.. And I realised maybe if I just keep on writing when the urge possesses me I’ll be able to create something good.. And I decided not to bother about comments anymore.. Whatever you may write and how well you may write there will be no one who will truly understand it.. And at the end of it all it doesn’t matter whether anyone understands me.. Because I know myself really well.. I know who I am.. I know how I make relations.. I know my strengths and weaknesses.. And I am the perfect judge for my character.. So who cares what people say??? Sometimes it does hurt when people misunderstand you and you feel as if you wanna put them right (I was blocked by that first guy before I could correct his opinion). But do I gain anything from that?? I will still be the same Jeeta whatever others think of me.. So the answer to my title ‘who am I?’ can only be answered by myself.. And I’m not gonna expect anyone else to answer it….

PS: The good part about all this misunderstandings and comments is that I got a topic to write about.. See.. In life everything happens for a reason…
By the way do listen to the song ‘who am I? kaun hu mein’ . It’s kinda sweet and romantic.. But nice..

SHAYAD YEHI HAI PYAAR…..

What is love??? Love is that bond which binds two strangers so close together that it makes them forget the world.. makes them believe that no one else exists and nothing else matters… They go off to a dream planet where the only inhabitants are both of them… A place so exclusive for them that no one else is welcome… where no one else can approach…
What is friendship?? Friendship is that bond which never binds anyone… a bond which can be shared with everyone… a bond that allows freedom… a bond that is not jealous… a bond that is not selfish…. A bond which is often mistaken for love…. But which is entirely different from love….
And you know what’s the difference between love and friendship?? Love tries to destroy friendship while friendship tries to accommodate love…

As I have often said, my personal experience with love is null… all I know about it is what I see around me… and as far as that is concerned I am not much in favour with this idea of being in love…
As you know most of my blogs are based on my personal stories… so let me tell you my story.. I have a friend.. A great friend… maybe not a very very close friends because we have known each other only for two years.. But still a very great friend of mine… so this friend (it’s a guy by the way) is a very friendly fellow and hence he has a lot of friends… everyone likes his company… they love talking to him… and he’s very popular… So life is going on cool when suddenly he falls in love.. Or rather he realises he has fallen in love with his childhood friend… Great!!! We are all happy for him because this is exactly the same girl we have been teasing him with.. So wow!! Finally they are together… yippee!!

But…. This changes everything.. He is no longer that friendly guy anymore.. He becomes all serious.. He cuts off all contacts.. No messages.. No phone calls… not even a smile… he has just totally forgotten everyone… he is no longer interested in anything except his girl… he has finally got the person of his dreams and so everyone else becomes useless…

Is this love?? Is this the romantic feeling everyone waits for and talks about so much.. Is forgetting your friends and hurting them so painfully the definition for love?? This is not a single example… it is something that happens almost all the time… maybe not in such a severe way.. But everyone who falls in love ceases to give importance to friendship…

But friendship still grows even when its hurt… which is why all his friends still contact him… still try to keep in touch with him… so isn’t friendship a much more beautiful and meaningful relationship than love… but no one will ever understand that… because in love there is glamour and passion while friendship is just a “taken for granted” relationship… I hope I will be able to hold on to friendship even when love binds me… and I hope that everyone realise that both are equally important to make our lives beautiful….

ENTER MY LOVE STORY

I am 17.99 years old and so far I have never fallen in love or so everyone thinks. Most people say I’m too sensible to fall in love (is love insensible??)… some say I’m scared to fall in love (is love scary??)… some say I’m very unromantic… and many say that no guy would ever fall for me (I’m not lovable huh??). So let me tell you the reason why I haven’t fallen in love yet… I discovered the reason only yesterday….
First of all let me tell you, I’m a very romantic girl. Romantic not in the sense that I swoon over guys and talk sweetly to them but I live in a dream world most of the time… Yesterday I was walking outside just after the rain was over…. I had just taken a bath… my hair was loose, wet and untidy… it was really cool outside… the wind was blowing through my hair… and I was feeling totally refreshed… I was shaking the flowers teeming with raindrops and letting the spray onto my face… then I felt love… I got a feeling of happiness… an urge to live forever…. A feeling of wanting to smile always… a feeling which my friends describe as love….

Everyday after tution I can either walk home or take an auto… none of my friends live near my house so if I walk I would be alone.. Besides it is burning hot these day and by the time I reach home I would be dripping with perspiration…yet I walk home… it’s a very boring way… with nothing new… just a way along the highway with vehicles rushing by… working people returning home and lot of sneering guys hanging around commenting… still I like that feeling of being on my own… to observe the life around me… I found out a sweet little place which is over run with creepers… I don’t know if it’s a house or an old office… it seems abandoned… I imagine myself living there.. In that messy, raw place… all the other buildings are so boringly neat… then there is an overbridge… looking down from there is really awesome… you feel as if you are above everyone… again I feel love… even in that ‘drenched with sweat’ condition I feel love (it’s indeed true that love is unconditional…)

I have a great friend….I just love his voice.. It just mesmerises me.. I very often talk about him to my friends… and as usual they see it as love… once one of my friends asked me to describe him… and u know what?? I couldn’t even remember if he had a moustache…. I was in the same class with him for two years and I never noticed that!!!

I was describing an awesome shirt I saw on a guy in my class to my friends…. They asked me who it was… I hadn’t noticed that…. I was so immersed in that cool shirt that I didn’t bother to see who was wearing it….

My sister loves grooming me… she has a large variety of creams and lotions and stuff which is supposed to make me beautiful… I don’t like having those sticky mess on my face and I never turn beautiful after the whole process… but still I allow her to do it… I love to just sit back and relax while she pampers me… I love to listen to her … her advice to take more care about my looks… and her shocked remarks about the number of blackheads and pimples on my face… I faithfully promise to be more girlie and use the face pack regularly and I very faithfully break my promise always… she would cease pampering me if I became beautiful nah??? I feel love when I hear her talk.. I feel love when I argue with her over the reasons for not wearing that paste on my face… and I feel love when I realise that she likes doing such things for me… isn’t that the most meaningful love I can ever experience???

I love walking around without my specs (I have short sight).. I can never recognise anyone without my specs.. But still it’s fun watching the world in a mist… when everything is a blur you notice more things..

So that’s me… in everyone’s eyes I’m vague… but I give so much importance for the little delights of life and fall in love with them that I am not ready for the big thing… and that’s the reason I haven’t fallen in love yet… but maybe one day I’ll cease being fascinated by such minor things and go searching for bigger pleasures… so far this is my love story… but picture abhi baki hai meri dost…