Ma Thoughts

A Pink Pinafore….

2011-06-28T01:30:00.000-07:00

I turned 20!! Let’s say I live upto around 60 (if no one kills me by then) then I have now completed exactly one third of my life. That’s like a really really long time. Gosh!! So I thought this birthday I’ll write a blog about my life or rather my educational life which obviously implies my favourite subject ‘friends and relationships’ (and I promise I’ll drag in my feministic views somewhere :P).

So it all started with a bright pink pinafore. Well… actually my first schooling was at some playschool which my chechi calls “ammamma veedu” and where apparently I was miserable. But since I don’t remember anything about it I guess I’ll start with LKG. Now these memories are also very vague and the only thing I really remember clearly is my uniform.. a bright pink pinafore. Now a pinafore is kinda like a dress but with box pleats and a white flap like piece near the neck and it’s definitely not fond memories that I shared in that attire. Like a majority of children I hated school. As I said I don’t remember much about this age but I can still feel the relief I felt when I returned home from school. I would rush inside the house and demand a glass of milk. Yuck!! I hate milk now but those days the thought of that milk helped me sit all day in class.

Then from 1^st standard onwards I remember better. Then our uniform was a light blue pinafore. My 1^st and 2^nd I hated school. I was a sweet girl (I repeat “was”) and everyone took advantage of me. I never fought or shouted or even talked much. I just had one best friend and I talked only to her I think coz I don’t remember anyone else. One incident I clearly remember was being elected as class leader. Now being a leader was a dream for everyone those days coz we can rub the blackboard and take the chalk. This was something very special. But unfortunately since I was so “sweet” even as a leader I had no power. All the other leaders dominated me and those 3months I never touched the blackboard….

In 3^rd I magically changed.. atleast I felt so. I started talking to more people and making more friends. 3^rd and 4^th were happy days. The best part I remember from those days are the games we played. In class with the guys I used to play hand cricket which I hated but for some weird reason I was good at (I never got out) and among gals gosh! There were such a lot of games…salolaole… superkironi…charliechaplin.. hehe!! Then in the evening I had a special group of friends. We met only in the evening and we used to play such weird games. Hide and seek was our favourite but after a while we got sick of that and started inventing all sorts of crazy things.. dabdoobali… detectives… and some games I can’t even remember the names we gave for them. And in fourth I was again a class leader and by then I was quite bold and had ‘board control’.

By fifth all the guys were thrown out of school and it was a purely girls only zone. I made my first speech in fifth. Aquaguard (the company that makes water purifiers :P) was doing a talk in our class to promote their product and I had to give the welcome speech. Now this is a really stupid event (infact u can’t even call it an event) but still I was so proud to be selected as the “welcome speech giver”. That was the first time I held a mic I think. I loved it and from then on went for every speech competition I could go.

6^th and 7^th were dark times for me mainly coz I was constantly fighting with my best friend. Now it all seems so silly but that time it was like a heart breaking situation. If I talked to someone else more she would get angry and vice versa. We were worse than a bunch of possessive lovers. We used to walk hand in hand around the whole campus and share all our deepest secrets (which was actually nothing). Anyway that sort of bonding happens only at that age I think (now we would be called lesbians if we did that :P).

Then high school started. That was the time for gangs… everyone had a gang. It was a real cool term!! Ours was called ‘The harmful insects’ and now you can guess how crazy we were. There were ten of us and we had seats together in class. We have laughed so much together… cried so much together… 8^th was one of my best times in school. I went for almost every weird activity that year. There was a dance event were I had to wear a bright yellow dress and my partner didn’t turn up and I had to dance alone. Then there was a song competition where we dressed up as cowgirls and won the first prize. Since I can’t sing now I think we won it coz of our costume :D Then I remember a debate competition where we started arguing so spiritedly that we forgot it was a competition. The things we said were nonsense I guess but we won a prize purely for our energy. There was also this weird phenomenon: I used to cry every Friday. Now I can’t explain why it’s like that…. Some silly thing will happen every Friday and I will cry and then later make up and everything would be great again.

9^th I was elected as the head girl and it was a damn crazy year. It was the 125^th anniversary of our school that year and we had some dumb event every single week. I did so many welcome and thank you speeches that I got absolutely sick of talking. The weird part was that no one had any idea about who the chief guests were. I had to say paragraphs of praises about someone I had never even heard of till that day. Then the worst part of being the school leader was that if anything went wrong it was blamed on me. If the chief guest arrived late and the students got fidgety even that was my fault though I don’t know how I could have prevented that. Also I got so little time to spend with my friends that year.

10^th new leaders were selected and I became the ‘Ex- head girl’, this was so much better. You still have all responsibilities but the new leaders will get all the scolding. 10^th was indeed an excellent year. It was our last year in that school and so got damn nostalgic during our farewell. That was also the first time I wore a saree (and I looked ridiculous). With our eyes full of tears I bid farewell to the place I had spend 12 years of my life.

11^th and 12^th I did in a co-ed. 1^st year was so crazy. Everything was new to me. Apart from the fact that there were strange beings in class (boys :P) it was a totally different atmosphere. I found everyone to be more harsh… less sentimental.. less attached… maybe we were growing up… I assumed I would never love this place but as usual I was wrong. When the two years ended I was even more tearful than in 10^th. I made a bunch of friends I can never forget in my life and realized so many things about life. It was the time I started writing my blog. Those two years I did nothing exceptional… I was never popular… infact I know very few people apart from those in my class. But still these two years changed my life so much.

Then college started…. it began with so many mixed feelings… fear for the seniors… excitement of staying away from home which at times turned into home sickness… and a thirst to enjoy maximum coz we all had this preconceived notion “college life is the most rocking part of our life so get maximum out of it”. I remember the first time we all went out together. It was for our classmate’s sister’s wedding and then later went to hill palace. We hardly knew each other but was determined that we should go mainly I think coz it was our first chance. It was the best of all the “hang outs” we had in college obviously coz it was our first :D I think the least time I took to become friendly with everyone was in college. Now emotions were different….. more complicated… the topics we discuss are also weirder…it was not that we grew up (we still throw chalk at each other and shout and scream like children) but we became kinda stranger in our thoughts..or so I felt…

20 years seems like a really long time…. So many memories… when I take my old diaries and read through them at times my eyes fill up with tears… at times I burst our laughing… I haven’t achieved even 1/4^th of what I dreamt to achieve but still I think my life is fulfilling so far… though my name hasn’t appeared in Wikipedia (one my friend’s greatest dreams :P) I think the fact that I can look back and feel happiness… feel sadness… feel regret…feel proud… feel embarresed…feel almost every emotion possible shows that I have experienced everything or atleast I am capable of experiencing everything…. Like my friend said last night “there will always be someone who envies your life and someone’s life you envy so be happy about what you are”(this was not his exact words.. I made it more attractive :P). Anyway I’m twenty and thanx to everyone who helped me have a great terrific twenty years… Zindagi rocks!!!

PS: I want to dedicate this blog to some special people.. I have no idea if they will even read this blog…these are the people I lost contact with… My best friend from 5^th to 10^th…. The group of friends I used to hang out in the evening during my school days…the harmful insects… and all my 12^th friends whom I’m no longer in touch with….

Gosh! This is indeed a looooong and boring blog. A sorry to those who actually read the whole thing :P

Life Is Beautiful

2010-05-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

Today I told my friend that ‘Life is beautiful’ but I meant it in an extremely sarcastic manner since both of us were suffering from pangs of “acute boredom due to study hols syndrome”. So why is life NOT beautiful??? I don’t know about others but I’ll tell you why MY life is terrible now….

The first and main reason is that I’m feeling damn lonely… I’m at my home town and everyone here are having exams. My college friends are all meeting each other and having a lot of fun which depresses me. The fact ‘Man is a social animal’ is so true. This lack of contact with fellow humans is driving me crazy. But on the bright side due to technological advancements errrmm… I mean due to mobiles and google talks I’m in constant touch with everyone. Friends call me daily and keep messaging nonsense which cheers me up a lot… It will never be the same as actually meeting people but still at least it shows that inspite of all the fun they are having they haven’t forgotten me…..

Second reason for this ‘life is not beautiful’ condition is that I’m in a waiting for the perfect person in my life (like everyone else) and my friend keeps telling me that I’ll never get anyone that perfect. He teases me when I tell him the kind of qualities I’m looking for in a guy. Maybe it’s true. No one gets anyone perfect but what’s wrong in dreaming??? But again on the bright side at least I have awesome friends with whom I can share all my dumb dreams… even if they make fun of it they have the patience to listen to me….

Third reason is open jealously. I have an extremely techie friend. Now I would love to be techie. I’m every much interested in such things but I’m totally dumb. I have always dreamt of creating something on my own and earning money and appreciation. But that was all a dream. Now this techie friend is just as old as me but he has his own ‘logo, template etc designing’ business. Check out his site http://www.amitspsworld.info. He actually bought a Samsung Corby with the money he earned from this. When I see someone else living my dream I become jealous. That’s natural right?? Anyway again on the bright side we have the fact that if this techie buddy turns out to be Bill Gates Junior I can always proclaim myself as his best friend and get Windows 2020 for free. Cool idea huh?? :D

Fourth reason is a very obvious one. I can’t study. I think this is something students are programmed to do only on the day before the exam. It’s not as if I don’t like studying. In fact I love studying. I always did… even as a kid. But I need to get a mood to study. I can never force myself nor can anyone force me. We have nine subjects and almost half a month is over and I haven’t even reached 0.01% of what we have to study…. Each day I become more and more confident that I will surely flunk. And sad to say I can’t find a bright side for this .

And again there are plenty more reasons to say… but absolutely to mood to put it down in words right now…But when you tally it all up life is not so bad after all… Life may not be beautiful if we look at the obvious… but if you know what to look for life can be wonderfully beautiful…. Each moment… each word…. Each conversation… each touch… each relationship… has a special meaning… Seek it.. Each day brings unexpected things… Find it….. Life is a mystery… Reveal it…. Your dreams may never come true… but life is a reason to dream…. Life is a reason to live….

PS: Check out the song ‘Aaj din chadiya’ from Love aaj kal… not exceptionally good… but I wrote this blog while listening to it…. So it’s not leaving my mind now :D

A WALK TO REMEMBER.....

2010-04-01T11:55:00.001-07:00

Bunking class and hanging out is a normal part of college life… Nothing extraordinary about it… But yesterday was very special to me…. I learnt many things…We had already decided to meet at nine and roam around the whole day… but by the time my extremely sleepy friends woke up and got dressed it was past eleven. After spending a lazy hour in our friends flat surfing channels we finally went out to roam.
First we went to the so called “Youngsters favourite hangout place” KFC. Food is the most expensive thing in Ernakulum and the guys paid the entire bill (point to be noted since this incident affects the story again). After this my friend’s extremely tyrannical mom called her back since its getting late (It was just past 12 noon k?? :D) and another went off to see his old buddies.
Eventually me and two guys were the only ones left. We went for a long walk along M.G.Road…. It was mid-day and it was like walking in an oven kept in hell…. But still it was real fun….. We talked a lot and whenever it became too hot we got into any shop which had a/c. I think there are no shops left on that road we haven’t attacked…
We got into seemati first… a very famous textile shop… Since we are all on the verge of bankruptcy the only reason we entered that place was to shelter from the unbearable heat… first we went to the men’s section and had a gala time commenting on the various shirts and tshirts… teasing each other’s likes… tricking the salesmen into thinking we are potential customers…. After driving everyone crazy there we went to the ladies section…. I was immersed in going through the displays when I turned back and saw the guys standing back embarrassed. They felt extremely odd being in the girls section and was fidgeting. This is the when I derived my first theory…. Guys are more insecure than gals. They feel that being among ladies stuff will make them girlie… How sad…. I obviously couldn’t leave them in such a position.. So after that we entered only guys brand shops… and since there are multimillion brands for guys (basics… wrangler…levi strauss.. blah.. blah.. blah…) we had plenty of options…. We also found a bonsai shop… but they sold only pots and clipperes…and no a/c either… damn!!
Finally we entered a coffee shop totally tired out….dripping like a wet towel… and ravishingly thirsty…. It was so relaxing to finally sink into a chair and sip something…
It was a great walk… I got to know them better… realised that we are actually so different… and wondered at how we all became so close inspite of being so unalike…I mean there isn’t anything we actually agree on ..and yet we are friends.. Amazing relationship…
It seemed like the perfect day till the bill came. I thought it was natural that I should pay it since they took care of the kfc bill. They were feeling bad about making me pay and I thought they were trying to be chivalrous which is pretty sweet. But what they said next totally disappointed me… “What will your parents say when they know you spent so much money… you are a girl nah??”….. WTF!!!! I felt so insanely mad then… This is exactly what everyone believes…. These guys are kinda like my best friends and I would never say anything against them but even they have this attitude…. But I don’t blame them… it is what the society has forced us to accept… it’s what we are taught by the society… gals need to save their parents’ money since getting them married is such an expensive process while guys can just fling their money around since they are ‘guys after all’….. There are specific rules and codes of conduct for boys and girls… any deviation from them marks you as insane… crazy… rebellious….
There was a time when such an incident would be the end of my friendship… but now even if I get angry when I hear such things I have learnt to accept it… I will never support it… I will never follow it… but since I cant change anyone’s attitude I just accept it… after all friendship is all about adjustment…
Even if I can’t change the world one thing I can do is hold onto what I believe in… but I sometimes find even that difficult…. It’s hard to get accepted… you get teased… you get looked down on… you are considered as an idiot.. And most irritatingly you are branded as a feminist…. But at the end of it even if you find that no one agrees with you, you get a satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing…
Life is an a beautiful experience…. Every moment you learn something… yesterday I learnt two things… one.. You don’t need to believe in the same thing to become friends… and two… you don’t need others to accept what you believe in as long as you believe it yourself…..
So the walk to remember came to an end with them dropping me off at the station… I don’t know if they spent the day with me as an obligation or whether they honestly enjoyed it… all I know is that it was a truly lovely time for me… thanks a lot buddies… tc..
PS: Wanted to write something on woman’s day but couldn’t get any inspiration… so I think I’ll consider this as a woman’s day dedication… Something better than nothing nah??

INTEZAAR HAI YEH PYAAR...

2010-02-12T08:06:00.000-08:00

My friend is depressed because he doesn’t have a girlfriend… in other words he is not in love… So is love the only means to be happy?? Love has become a very popular emotion. Every tom, dick and harry on the street is in love with some ann, mary or Josephine. Love seems to be a “must have” factor of college life. A normal day in college is not complete without the discovery of a new love couple, a tearful breakup or at least a casual linking up of unexpected people. Life seems to revolve only around love with friendship and other stuffs in the background.

The world seems to be created only for people who are in love. Boys and gals who have absolutely no idea about each other are pushed and forced to fall in love with each other. Mobile companies compete with each other to provide offers which assure hours of free talktime so that lovers are not separated by time or distance. Shops adorn themselves with red and sickly pink stuff so that lovers have a means of expressing their feelings via gifts. In short the purpose and ultimate aim in life seems to be love.

In many ways this is true. We all wish for someone who truly understands us. We all hope for someone who would listen to us…care for us…spend time with us and make us feel special. Love is indeed a basic necessity for humans….

But in our desperation to fall in love we loose our happiness. We should not hope and wait and pray for love. It just happens… just because the world around you go crazy with love don’t loose your head. When the right time and right person comes you will get what you always wanted….

But this waiting is indeed a depressing process. Three fourth of my friends are already in love. Having friends who are in love is the saddest thing to tolerate. You get ignored and forgotten. You are given less importance in their life. You get to spent less time with them. You’ll be happily talking with your friend and suddenly their lover calls and then you find yourself all alone coz your friend has gone into another world….. A very very common experience I experienced very very often. But now I’m kinda used to the whole “friendship gets second priority to love” idea.

But life is more than just love. It has a lot of other beautiful things to offer. It’s a journey packed with all sorts of unexpected happenings… you never know what is gonna happen the next second which makes you wanna live the moment to the fullest.. Discover your passion…. Find something that makes you excited and happy….

For me making my friend smile makes me happy…. So this blog is dedicated to my “girlfriendless” buddy to lift his spirits… so please cheer up. A gorgeous gal is waiting for you around the corner but you haven’t reached the corner yet… Just wait a while… Till then you have plenty of friends to give you company… take care buddy….

DON'T NEED NO BUDDY

2010-01-15T22:46:00.000-08:00

These days I feel as if I’m not doing anything worthwhile. Just going on living. I need something to look forward to…something to live for… so far my life was totally revolving around friendship. I breathed friendship… and that is my cause for unhappiness. Friendship is a beautiful relationship but when you totally submit yourself to it you get hurt badly. In this harsh reality no one sincerely bothers about friendship. It is just a means of not being alone. It is a means to use up your messaging offer. It is a means of showing the world that you are popular. It is a means of sharing something no one else would bother to listen to. Friends are just taken for granted. Me, being an idiot, didn’t realise it till recently. I just adored friendship. It was all I wanted. I rescheduled my entire life for friendship. My goals, dreams and even my family was pushed back for the sake of my friends.

While people around me got distracted by love I remained uninterested. I failed to realise that friendship is the biggest distraction. I expect a lot of things from my friends. I expect them to care for me as much as I do. But this never happens. Friendship is never given that much of importance by anyone. Within the past two months I have been hurt by three of my great buddies. This has made me totally depressed and devastated. Gosh!! If I had fallen in love I would have only had to suffer a single heartbreak. I really need to stop giving so much of priority to friendship.

One of my friends once said that my problem is that I have too many friends. But that’s wrong. I have very few friends. My problem is that I don’t know who my friends are. I care for people who don’t even need me and neglect the ones who really love me. I spend my time, energy and love on people who have no time for me and ignore the ones who are there every time I need them…

I need to discover what is friendship….. I need to discover who my friends are… I need to realise that it is not the ultimate factor in life…I need to move on…. I need to start living for myself and not just for friendship…..

KUSH!!!

2010-01-15T22:44:00.000-08:00

I’m not the happiest person on earth in fact right now I’m the most miserable human alive. But I thought I’ll write a blog entry on how I try to be happy. This not a very successful process but still I feel like writing about it… so here I go..
I’m an extremely sensitive person (a well known fact). If some one hurts me I go all moody and depressed and that too very obviously. Immediately every one around me gets irritated and starts asking me why I’m so sensitive and childish and negative and stubborn and sulky and blah blah blah blah….
Gosh!! I’m this way yaar.. isn’t there anyone who knows how to react when I’m in this mood?? So far the answer is no.. maybe someday some one will come who knows how to behave when I’m in this mood ( very romantic huh??). So since no one else can handle me in this mood I decided to deal with myself…. And here are the things I do ( or try to do) when my sad….

1) Make My Friend Crazy
This is a very refreshing thing to do. You can also try it out. I’ll explain the process.
Step 1: Choose a friend whom you are sure wont slap you hard on your face when you drive them crazy.
Step 2: Jump onto them when they least expect it. The surprise factor is very important else they will do all the talking and drive you crazy instead.
Step 3: Talk the most crazy and nonsensical things you know. This is extremely simple for me since talking nonsense is what I’m best at!!! Just stop thinking and talk….
Result: You are happy and your friend is crazy!!
Precaution: Duration of talk is directly proportional to the temper of the victim chosen. So be careful about how long you talk.

2)Draw
I’m sure this would make you think I’m an artist. You are absolutely wrong. My drawing ability is far inferior to that of a four year old. But here I’m not talking about artistic drawing. I love doodling. Crazy lines… weird twisty figures… song lyrics… and all sorts of dumb things fill the margins of my notebook. The important thing is not what I draw but that I get totally involved in this and thus forget about my unhappiness.

3)Use Lots Of Soap
Taking a soapy bath is the best way to be happy. Don’t laugh… its seriously true. I have an awesome soapy frothy bodywash which I use when I’m miserable (I use a normal soap otherwise k?? don’t get the misconception that I stink when I’m happy). I feel as if I can just wash away my worries and trouble. You get a sort of refreshed and “ready to start anew” feeling when you get out of an extremely soapy bath. I smell extremely sweet when I’m unhappy and the bathroom floor will be extremely slippery (my poor room mates!!)

4) Write
I don’t think I need to specifically say this since majority of my blog entries were written when I was in my crazy mood. I used to write diary entries before I started blogging. But blogs are a better outlet to your feelings. Maybe its not good revealing everything to total strangers but its better than burdening yourself.

5) Forgive
This is the best key to happiness but the most difficult one. I’ve been trying to do this for years and its still a partial failure. Forgive the person who hurt you and forgive yourself for getting hurt. The first part is very easy for me. I don’t know why but I forgive others very easily. Even before a sorry is said I forgive them. But I never forgive myself. Every time some one hurts me I take a lot of time to get over it. This is because I haven’t forgiven myself. I trust people completely and when that trust is broken I blame myself for being stupid. I hate the fact that I’m sensitive… I hate the fact that I get attached very fast… I hate the fact that I expect a lot of care from my friends… I hate the fact that I fight a lot for anything I believe in… I hate my very self…. In short I haven’t forgiven myself for what I am… this is what I really need to do… accept myself and forgive myself…. Happiness will automatically come… forever striving of that ultimate happiness…..

Jigsaw!!

2009-12-23T01:29:00.000-08:00

These are just random stuff that floated across my mind… I have been typing them down for some time and suddenly I thought I’ll just collect it together and publish it as a post…. All the paragraphs are totally unconnected and confusing… but then it can also be described as abstract writing huh?? :D

LIFE ROCKZ!!!!

Life is beautiful if you accept it as it is. Stop dreaming about how it could be and start loving the way it is. When feeling completely depressed think of one really happy part of your life and ponder whether anyone else could have such a happy moment. You’ll realise how beautiful your life is.

Each person is unique the way they are. No one can steal our identity. Even if another person’s life may seem beautiful only the person himself/herself knows how it is really. Get pleasure out of the simple things in life - walking in the rain….. reading an exciting book with a bar of chocolate at your side…… taking a beauty bath…… writing a testimonial for someone who least expects it……. loving…..

Love is an unique emotion… it can make your life meaningful…. it is a bond that can exist between anyone….a mother and child…..between siblings…..between friends….in short it is something that can happen anywhere, anytime and between anyone….. Love can hurt….but that makes it divine…. It a a bond that makes us forget the shortcomings of another person and accept the person as he/she is…

INCOMPLETE

We can never quench the eternal thirst of our heart…. But then it was never meant to be quenched…. It is this thirst for more that keeps life going…. If you wanna live you need to have something to work for… something you really need…..something you are willing to die for or rather willing to live for … When you have everything you ever need you cease to exist… When there is something incomplete… when you feel an emptiness which needs to be filled… you get the urge to search… to discover…

WHY GROW UP???

Why grow up and loose your innocence??? Why grow up and become suspicious of everything?? Why grow up and be conscious of your every action?? Why grow up and stop doing all the crazy things you love to do?? Why grow up and suppress all your feelings?? Why grow up and hide everything you wanna say or do just because its different??

Children are not bothered about what others think of them. Children are not suspicious of others and believe everything they hear. Children don’t hide their feelings. They cry when they are hurt, laugh when they are happy and reveal how exactly they feel about others. Children do not stop themselves from doing something just because its not the usual thing to do…

Being a child is so awesome… Yet we all strive to grow up… but why??? I’m very often called “childish” and teased for my lack of maturity… I am extremely emotional. If I’m hurt I’ll cry.. If I’m happy I’ll laugh(I have an idiotic laugh by the way). If I’m angry I’ll shout (extremely loudly). If I like someone I say it openly and if don’t like someone I’ll show my dislike openly…. If I have an opinion I speak vehemently about it. I become damn attached to my friends and it breaks my heart if they don’t act the way I expect them to act. I do and speak crazy things when I’m in a crazy mood…

I don’t consider these as immature actions…. it’s the way we all act naturally… but once we strive to grow up we tend to suppress these natural tendencies.. We begin to be conscious of others… we are so bothered about what others would think about us that we forget to think about what actually makes us happy… everything we say or do becomes according to some invisible rule written by the society….

But the world is a cruel place… it makes us grow up too soon… the innocent gets cheated… beliefs get destroyed… and revealing too much of your emotions makes it easy for others to hurt you. Growing up may not give you true happiness but at least you can avoid getting hurt….. So I’m in a never ending conflict with myself…. I haven’t decided yet whether I should grow up….

KOI YAAR NAZAAR NAHI ATHA.. JAB PYAAR HOTA HAI.....

How can a person forget his friends just because he fell in love??? How can a person break his promises just because he fell in love??? How can a person hurt others just because he fell in love??? How can a person become totally emotionless to friends just because he fell in love??? How can a person neglect his friends totally and remember them only in need just because he fell in love???

I cannot answer these questions because I’ve never been in love…. Maybe these questions don’t have an answer…. Or maybe these are not questions but a definition for love….

ZINDAGI ROCKZ!!!

2009-10-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

It’s been a really long time since I wrote a blog. All my friends got exhausted asking me to write a new post and I too lost interest in it. Then I joined college and made new friends. They read my blog and thus after a large span of time I started getting comments on my blog. This suddenly renewed my writing interest and I wanted to write a new entry. But what should I write about?? I have been sitting in front of my laptop for over an hour and I still cant get a good topic. What has happened to me?? Words usually flow out once I touch the keyboard. My friend suggested that I write about college life. So lemme try doing that…

I have entered a totally different stage in my life. I’m staying away from home for the first time. For a mother’s pet like me this was something really difficult. I felt as if I was alone in a strange land. Hostel life seemed so weird and I kept wondering how I would be able to live among such total strangers. College was another eerie place. I liked my class the very first day itself but since I need a lot of time to mingle with people I was totally silent there initially. Then there was this perpetual fear of our seniors. We were given a huge lecture on “How to behave towards seniors” in our hostel. I was really in an extremely confused state for a long time.

Then I started being close with my hostel mates. We used to sit together and chat till midnight. I started loving my hostel. I became so comfortable with them that I felt as if I was back home. Hostel life became so much fun… sharing jokes.. Teasing each other.. Listening to music… dancing… playing.. The list goes on and on…. Homesickness seemed to have disappeared almost completely… Washing our own clothes and adjusting to the weird food was really difficult. During every meal we spent half the time trying to find out what exactly we were eating(everything tastes and looks so different and horrible from what we get at home). Washing clothes was like a ritual. We are totally devoted to it and do it daily coz if we miss one day we will have a huger pile the next day(and no mom to do it for us). All of us are from different places so even though we speak Malayalam every has a different way of speaking. Initially none of us understood each other but now we all have acquired the art of decoding the various dialects. All this became part of the fun. We became totally bonded…. We became a family…

College was still a little weird. Some of the classes were so boring that I was perpetually yawning. In the first year we have to learn so many unrelated subjects that it drives me crazy. I came to learn computer science then why the hell do I have to learn mechanics and graphics and gosh!! We even have environmental studies!!!!! Then we have a really dumb uniform. The salwar is white which makes it extremely difficult to wash. The shawl has to be worn in a ’V’ shape which totally irritates me (Imagine having a ’V’ on your chest the whole day). I hated wearing our crazy uniform and going to college everyday. I also got caught a lot of times by my seniors which killed my spirit.

But then slowly I started knowing more people… discovering new friends… and became really close with some… Then even the most boring class became fun…. Commenting…. Scribbling notes… talking nonsense… playing silly games… I started truly enjoying college life… Now I simply love going to college (I still hate our uniform)… There are still lots of students I need to know…need to be friends with… each day I discover someone new.. Each day I grow fonder of my class… each day I become closer to my college..

At the end of it all friendship is what brings true happiness. Even if we join the most popular college… even if we live in the most expensive hostel… even if we have everything our heart desires… we will never be truly contented without friends…. I am very close with my family and it broke my heart staying away from them… But now I have adjusted so well to my new circumstances that I have surprised myself…. I feel more mature and grown up… Once you get friends any place becomes heaven…. Life rockzzz!!!!

PS: Special thanx to my friends for inspriring me to write again... but this seems to be a really short blogpost... will write a more detailed one later...

Who am I??? Kaun hu mein???

2009-06-07T23:10:00.000-07:00

What is blogging? Well.. For me it is a means of communicating my feelings and views… But now I discovered the potential danger of blogging.. Not danger exactly but I realised that blogging has a negative side as well… Through my blogs I have revealed my character….my opinions…my attitudes… and in short… myself… I got a few praises for my writing (I emphasise FEW L ) and I was quite happy with that… I even got a few friends because of my blog… But recently I met a guy online who claimed he has read all my blogposts and it must be true since he could quote word to word from my blog. Though he didn’t seem a very interesting person I was happy that someone took so much interest in my writing. I didn’t accept his friend request because I wanted to know him better. I think this hurt his ego and he started asking me why I wrote such lies in my blog… You know what?? From my blog he derived my character as ‘A girl who is calm… become friends quickly… and doesn’t argue…’. Gosh!! That is so NOT me.. Is that what I conveyed through my blogs?? Is that how people who read my blog interpret it?? Then he started getting a little insulting and irritating and so I decided to add him to my ‘ignore list’ and guess what?? He has already added me… wow!! He pesters me and now he has blocked me.. Great!! Everything becomes the other way round.. Well.. Either way the communication has ceased so let’s just say… alls well that ends well (this is the actual quote ryte?? ).

Then I made a new post and within a day I got a comment from another guy… Awesome!!! I was really happy because usually my post would have to wait atleast a month to get even a small comment… I opened the comment with great expectation… ooof!! It was long.. Indeed really long compared to my usual comments which would be just “good work”, “nice writing” etc.. But the whole comment was just SOMETHING.. I described it as ‘something’ because it was so strange and confusing that I didn’t even know if it was a positive or negative comment… Ahh.. Whatever..at least I got a comment nah?? I was happy..
Then my sis commented…. I was really really really really happy… and then the same person commented again.. This time it was directed at my sister…about how she should learn to write like me.. That was the most idiotic and crazy thing I have ever heard… my sister has a way of writing which no one can ever beat.. especially her second blog truly brings out her talent.. And this idiot thinks she should change that and write like me… ME!!!

Then I understood what kind of people read my blogs…. People who don’t even understand what I write.. People who can’t distinguish between a masterpiece and an amateur’s work.. I felt so depressed that I wanted to give up writing forever…..

Then I went back and read my first blog… the only one that was a real success.. And I realised maybe if I just keep on writing when the urge possesses me I’ll be able to create something good.. And I decided not to bother about comments anymore.. Whatever you may write and how well you may write there will be no one who will truly understand it.. And at the end of it all it doesn’t matter whether anyone understands me.. Because I know myself really well.. I know who I am.. I know how I make relations.. I know my strengths and weaknesses.. And I am the perfect judge for my character.. So who cares what people say??? Sometimes it does hurt when people misunderstand you and you feel as if you wanna put them right (I was blocked by that first guy before I could correct his opinion). But do I gain anything from that?? I will still be the same Jeeta whatever others think of me.. So the answer to my title ‘who am I?’ can only be answered by myself.. And I’m not gonna expect anyone else to answer it….

PS: The good part about all this misunderstandings and comments is that I got a topic to write about.. See.. In life everything happens for a reason…
By the way do listen to the song ‘who am I? kaun hu mein’ . It’s kinda sweet and romantic.. But nice..

SHAYAD YEHI HAI PYAAR…..

2009-06-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

What is love??? Love is that bond which binds two strangers so close together that it makes them forget the world.. makes them believe that no one else exists and nothing else matters… They go off to a dream planet where the only inhabitants are both of them… A place so exclusive for them that no one else is welcome… where no one else can approach…
What is friendship?? Friendship is that bond which never binds anyone… a bond which can be shared with everyone… a bond that allows freedom… a bond that is not jealous… a bond that is not selfish…. A bond which is often mistaken for love…. But which is entirely different from love….
And you know what’s the difference between love and friendship?? Love tries to destroy friendship while friendship tries to accommodate love…

As I have often said, my personal experience with love is null… all I know about it is what I see around me… and as far as that is concerned I am not much in favour with this idea of being in love…
As you know most of my blogs are based on my personal stories… so let me tell you my story.. I have a friend.. A great friend… maybe not a very very close friends because we have known each other only for two years.. But still a very great friend of mine… so this friend (it’s a guy by the way) is a very friendly fellow and hence he has a lot of friends… everyone likes his company… they love talking to him… and he’s very popular… So life is going on cool when suddenly he falls in love.. Or rather he realises he has fallen in love with his childhood friend… Great!!! We are all happy for him because this is exactly the same girl we have been teasing him with.. So wow!! Finally they are together… yippee!!

But…. This changes everything.. He is no longer that friendly guy anymore.. He becomes all serious.. He cuts off all contacts.. No messages.. No phone calls… not even a smile… he has just totally forgotten everyone… he is no longer interested in anything except his girl… he has finally got the person of his dreams and so everyone else becomes useless…

Is this love?? Is this the romantic feeling everyone waits for and talks about so much.. Is forgetting your friends and hurting them so painfully the definition for love?? This is not a single example… it is something that happens almost all the time… maybe not in such a severe way.. But everyone who falls in love ceases to give importance to friendship…

But friendship still grows even when its hurt… which is why all his friends still contact him… still try to keep in touch with him… so isn’t friendship a much more beautiful and meaningful relationship than love… but no one will ever understand that… because in love there is glamour and passion while friendship is just a “taken for granted” relationship… I hope I will be able to hold on to friendship even when love binds me… and I hope that everyone realise that both are equally important to make our lives beautiful….

ENTER MY LOVE STORY

2009-04-30T22:56:00.000-07:00

I am 17.99 years old and so far I have never fallen in love or so everyone thinks. Most people say I’m too sensible to fall in love (is love insensible??)… some say I’m scared to fall in love (is love scary??)… some say I’m very unromantic… and many say that no guy would ever fall for me (I’m not lovable huh??). So let me tell you the reason why I haven’t fallen in love yet… I discovered the reason only yesterday….
First of all let me tell you, I’m a very romantic girl. Romantic not in the sense that I swoon over guys and talk sweetly to them but I live in a dream world most of the time… Yesterday I was walking outside just after the rain was over…. I had just taken a bath… my hair was loose, wet and untidy… it was really cool outside… the wind was blowing through my hair… and I was feeling totally refreshed… I was shaking the flowers teeming with raindrops and letting the spray onto my face… then I felt love… I got a feeling of happiness… an urge to live forever…. A feeling of wanting to smile always… a feeling which my friends describe as love….

Everyday after tution I can either walk home or take an auto… none of my friends live near my house so if I walk I would be alone.. Besides it is burning hot these day and by the time I reach home I would be dripping with perspiration…yet I walk home… it’s a very boring way… with nothing new… just a way along the highway with vehicles rushing by… working people returning home and lot of sneering guys hanging around commenting… still I like that feeling of being on my own… to observe the life around me… I found out a sweet little place which is over run with creepers… I don’t know if it’s a house or an old office… it seems abandoned… I imagine myself living there.. In that messy, raw place… all the other buildings are so boringly neat… then there is an overbridge… looking down from there is really awesome… you feel as if you are above everyone… again I feel love… even in that ‘drenched with sweat’ condition I feel love (it’s indeed true that love is unconditional…)

I have a great friend….I just love his voice.. It just mesmerises me.. I very often talk about him to my friends… and as usual they see it as love… once one of my friends asked me to describe him… and u know what?? I couldn’t even remember if he had a moustache…. I was in the same class with him for two years and I never noticed that!!!

I was describing an awesome shirt I saw on a guy in my class to my friends…. They asked me who it was… I hadn’t noticed that…. I was so immersed in that cool shirt that I didn’t bother to see who was wearing it….

My sister loves grooming me… she has a large variety of creams and lotions and stuff which is supposed to make me beautiful… I don’t like having those sticky mess on my face and I never turn beautiful after the whole process… but still I allow her to do it… I love to just sit back and relax while she pampers me… I love to listen to her … her advice to take more care about my looks… and her shocked remarks about the number of blackheads and pimples on my face… I faithfully promise to be more girlie and use the face pack regularly and I very faithfully break my promise always… she would cease pampering me if I became beautiful nah??? I feel love when I hear her talk.. I feel love when I argue with her over the reasons for not wearing that paste on my face… and I feel love when I realise that she likes doing such things for me… isn’t that the most meaningful love I can ever experience???

I love walking around without my specs (I have short sight).. I can never recognise anyone without my specs.. But still it’s fun watching the world in a mist… when everything is a blur you notice more things..

So that’s me… in everyone’s eyes I’m vague… but I give so much importance for the little delights of life and fall in love with them that I am not ready for the big thing… and that’s the reason I haven’t fallen in love yet… but maybe one day I’ll cease being fascinated by such minor things and go searching for bigger pleasures… so far this is my love story… but picture abhi baki hai meri dost…

2009-04-16T02:45:00.000-07:00

A SILLY POEM BY A SILLY GAL

If I were a butterfly
You would gaze at me flying high
If I were a honey bee
You would listen to me buzzing with glee
If I were a pussy cat
You would rub and give me a pat
If I were a bright red rose
You would sniff your delicate nose
If I were a pretty rainbow
Once you see me you’ll never go
If I were a precious jewel
To make me yours you would duel
If I were a rock king
You would love to hear me sing
If I were a sports star
To see my game you would travel far
If I were Aiswarya Rai
Just to see me you would even die
If I were your dream girl
You would kiss and give me a pearl

But since I’m just your best friend
In your list of priorities I would be at the end
But I would give you my all and more
Coz friendship is the only thing I live for

I LOVE BIKES

2009-03-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

Let me make it clear from the start that my knowledge about bikes is null. All I know is that I love bikes and go crazy over them. Yes, it’s possible to be passionate about bikes inspite of being totally ignorant about their technical aspects. My dad has a bike. It’s a Rajdoot. I wonder if anyone has even heard about such a model. It can be better described as a piece of antique. It has been with us ever since I can remember infact it was with my dad even before I was born. We have nicknamed it “Dhug Dhuk” because it makes a kinda funny sound.
Before we bought a four wheeler the bike was our only means of transport. The four of us have jam packed ourselves onto it and driven off to so many places. It is still a wonder to me how we all managed to squeeze into it and rode off from Trivandrum to Iddukki and back again without any major calamities. I , being the youngest , had to sit on the petrol tank. This was really cool for me because I could pretend that I was riding the bike and having races with imaginary foes.

As I grew up (I had to sit at the back since I become tall) I started feeling uncomfortable with my bike. I have had innumerable extremely embarrassing moments on my bike. It just breaks down in the middle of the road and refuses to start inspite of furious kicks by my dad while I try my best to look as if the bike doesn’t belong to me(this is difficult since I’m sitting on it).When the horning and rude remarks by those drivers unfortunate enough to be caught behind us become unbearable the bike would be pushed to the nearest garage by my dad and I would be left to walk back home.

Freaky guys on gleaming, super fast bikes jeered at my poor old rajdoot. Though I still loved my “Dhug Dhuk” I started wishing for something new. Then we bought an activa which is a scooter as you all know. It was new, fast, smooth and most importantly not embarrassing. I told my friends about my “new” scooter and proudly went on it with my dad. But I felt something missing. Activa was too smooth and devoid of anything exciting. It lacked that power I used to feel on my old bike. So it was sold and we went back to our Rajdoot again.
My dad is an extremely careful driver and so I never had a chance to experience the feel of racing through the traffic which is something all bike riders talk about (besides rajdoot couldn’t go that fast). I always wanted to try out this so called “craze for race” and once I got a chance. My family friend took me on his bike. He was driving so fast that I could make out only blurs of what was around me. The wind was blowing in all possible directions that it totally confused me. In movies the wind blows in only a single direction and the heroine’s hair blows back romantically. My hair on the other hand was a total mess by the time we reached our destination. I was shivering since the above mentioned wind was also extremely cold and apart from that there had been many sudden brakes and jolting starts (as we all know Indian roads are definitely not meant for racing). This incident killed my racing spirit.

So if I don’t like racing why the hell do I say I love bikes because according to everyone bikes = speed. What I like best about bikes is the energy we feel while riding them….the strong , secure feeling you get when the machine vibrates beneath you.. the way this majestic device slides along a side road….the ability of this magnificent two wheeler to squeeze through the tiniest gaps in a traffic block and yet it does not appear to be insignificant…

Bikes (driven at a normal speed) make me happy. Going on my dad’s bikes especially at night is something truly wonderful. While going along a lonely pitch dark road (power cut going on) with the headlight giving just minimum light I feel as if I’m sliding through air. It gives me a feeling of flying at ground level. It’s a feeling only a bike can give you.

Now my biggest desire is to ride a bike. People laugh when I say this because it seems you need strength and muscles to ride a bike and I have neither. But maybe one day I’ll grow fat and strong and can ride a truly cool bike. But till then my “dhug dhuk” will continue to give me powerful moments to cherish forever.

PS: It was midnight when I wrote this blog and I had my maths board exam the next day. I think that is evidence enough for my passion for bikes.

EXCUSE ME!!!

2009-03-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

Men have a long list of complaints about women. They look down upon women due to certain preconceived notions they have. They generalise all women to be the same and are shocked to see any one who is a little different.Here I'm gonna list down the EXCUSES we girls have for being the way we are.I emphasise the word excuses because thats what they are... not reasons but excuses...What we are is what we make of ourselves.No one can change us if we are strong enough to face influences boldly... strong enough to stand up for what we believe in... strong enough to break out of the chains which the society imposes on us...
One more thing I wish to say before I start... girls too have many fixed notions about men. But the reason why I am not mentioning excuses for men is not because I'm a 'man hater' or a 'female chauvanist' [my first blog post awarded me those titles] but because the generalised ideas about men are basically quite good. Notions like all men are brave,clever,strong,secure,free,not silly etc do not need excuses because I'm sure any man would love to be described like this.So let me go on to "The excuses for why women are they way they are".

1.GENERAL NOTION: Women are silly.They play with barbie dolls and teddy bears. They have no interest in cars or bikes and hardly know anything about them...

EXCUSE:When a girl child is born relatives and friends cover her with stuffed toys,toy kitchen sets and barbie dolls.She grows up with these and assumes that it is all the world has there to offer her.Her extremely possessive brother does not allow her to touch his 'manly toys'. If the guy plays with dolls he is accused of being 'girlie'.

2.GENERAL NOTION:Girls dress up so much. They spent hours on make up,jewellery and shopping.With every dress they need matching ornaments and accessories.

EXCUSE:
"When a guy stands up to speak
The audience listen.
If they like what they hear.. they look at him.

When a girl stands up to speak
The audience look at her.
If they like what they see.. they listen."
-Anonymous (actually I forgot where I read this quote).

Women are judged 'more' by their appearance than guys. In any gathering we can see that people crowd around the most gorgeous girl in the room. (of course when they later realise that she is just looks and nothing more they disperse).But the fact remains that people are attracted by feminine beauty(even if it's artificial) more than a strong character whereas among guys a good attitude is enough to attract people.A girl who is not so well groomed but with a pleasing personality will surely get along well but it needs time. We also have this very conservative attitude that women and jewellery are inseparable. I hate almost all sorts of jewellery and hence I very rarely wear them. Once I wore a chain and all my friends remarked:"Wow Jeeta!! you became a girl".Wasn't I a girl before that? Do I have to wear a chain to prove my feminity? But when the society pesters you with these unwritten rules of how a women should be girls unknowingly tend to accept them...

3.GENERAL NOTION:Girls are extremely sensitive.They cry over the silliest things(best example:me).They cove their eyes when they see wrestling or boxing(again best example is me. I hate violence). They hate movies where the hero is punched and kicked and thrown around and almost dies only to finally arise and punch and kick and throw away the villans(A typical movie).

EXCUSE: As a child, when a girl cries she is fussed and kissed. She is asked the reason for her tears and a solution is given immediately.WHen a boy child cries he is teased and called a "mommy's boy"(Mothers usually fuss and kiss boy children too).Crying has been termed a 'girls only' thing for ages. So girls don't feel ashamed of crying but guys do.
When a girl hits her friend she is asked not to do so because it's not 'ladylike' to punch or kick. when a guy hits his friend he may be scolded but the concluding statement would be "guys will be guys..". Yes,guys are expected to fight physically..punch and get punched.. while girls are expected to just watch on.. occasionally wimpering and wiping away tears..and keeping away at a safe distance...

4.GENERAL NOTION: Girls are weak. They cannot fight or defend themselves. They cannot save themselves from their 'enemies'.

EXCUSE:
"Cowards die a thousand deaths
The brave never tastes of death but once"
(My apologies to Shakespeare if the quotation is not exactly correct)

Anyway the reason why women are weak is due to fear. As soon as a girl reaches her adolescence she is bombarded with stories of raping,woman abuse,eve teasing,flesh trade etc. She grows up i a state of extreme fear.In every gesture and every move she fears attack. As soon as darkness surrounds a woman who is alone, thoughts of all the gruesome rape cases pass he mind.this fear numbs he actions. When face with danger she cannot give her whole strength to save herself.
Due to many physical factors women cannot be as strong as men. There are times when we have to rest and cannot over exert ourselves.But the real reason why we are weak is not physical. It is dues to fear... and unnecessary fear which the world impose on us at an young age.

5.GENERAL NOTION: Women cannot make decisions. In a crisis they fail miserably. They loose their head and go around confused.

EXCUSE: As I mentioned before when a girl cries people comfort her and offer solutions while guys try to comfort themselves because crying would make them less 'manly'. This is one excuse. As a child,parents take decisions for us irrespective of whether we are a girl or a boy. But once we cross 18yrs guys are 'generally' given more freedom to choose higher studies and careers of their choice while there is a constrain for girls. According to th society (I am really against this society as you might have guessed by now) a woman should be married by the age of 23 or at least 25.So all higher studies and career pursuits are so decided by the parents such that it is all over and done with by the time the girl attains 'marriagable age'. A guy whom the family thinks is suitable is chosen and the girl is 'happily married'. A girl is brought up very carefully and given limited options for deciding on her own so that when she reached 'marriagable age' she will not rebel to the 'suitable mathc' her family finds for her. A girl is expected to dedicate her life for a man. So why does she need to make decisions?? The man would do it for her...

The difference between a man and a woman is merely physical. Everything else is just a false conception that we have. There is nothing we can generalise about a man or a woman. There are girls who are not 'girlie' and guys who cry.I urge the society not to impose such 'guys should be manly' and girls should me feminine' rules on the younger generation. The youth today has a spark of daring...a will to accept changes and a mind to think beyond the ordinary... I wish the society would not kill off this spirit within us and allow us to be the way we wish to be and not the way they want us to be. Be proud of who you are and never limit your dreams just because you were born as a man or a woman.. it honestly makes no difference. so remember men can cry and women can fight. It only needs courage to change the centuries old perceptions...

PS: Special mention to my brother who freaked out at me for generalising the idea "all men are MCPs". I realised nothing can be generalised. Even if all men I meet are so there are many more who are different.It takes will power to reject our fixed ideas and accept that each individual is unique and rare.

Tu Hai Toh..... I'll Be Alright

2009-03-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

Ask any of my friends to mention one thing I do very frequently and they'll reply "Get depressed". They call my depressed state "Jeeta's desp mood". I am basically an extremely sensitive person. My mother says that I used to be a very serious baby and never laughed much. All through my school days I used to cry very often over the silliest things. During my high school days I used to cry almost every week(kinda like a ritual nah??). I used to tell everyone the reason for my tears and after all the comforting from their behalf is over I used to feel pretty silly because the reason why I cried would be something highly stupid. But now i don't cry err.... I mean I don't cry so frequently as I used to. But instead I go into the so called "desp mood".People crowd around me and ask me what happened.But I don't tell them anymore.I just repeat "its nothing","leave it","I'm fine" etc if I'm just moderately depressed. If I am highly depressed I freak out at them with the usual dramatic dialogue "just leave me alone... I don't need anyone". So why have I shut myself in? Why don't I talk it over?I advice all my friends to speak out when they are sad and yet I myself cannot do it... why?? the answer is simple... the reason for my depression is something so silly that no one except me would consider it serious.

Take for example my last "desp mood".It occurred because I tried to repair my laptop (which crashed recently)all by myself and failed miserably. The laptop is kinda like my boyfriend(I named him blossom ... don't laugh...why cant a guy be named blossom???)so I don't want any one else to 'cure' him.. well.... we come back to the fact that the reason is stupid yet for me its serious. Then when I had not yet got over my "desp mood" my friend messaged me about some birthday party he had gone to and enjoyed a lot. I might have replied curtly because he sensed something wrong and asked the usual question:"kya hua re?? something wrong? you don't seem your usual self.". Gosh!! What should I say? Should I say that I'm sad because my laptop is not working?? He would laugh his head off if I said that. So I just send him a 'tell ya later' message. I was wondering what I could tell him later. I couldn't lie because I had very recently given him a lecture on "never lie to your friends'....and telling the truth would make me feel very silly.Then I got this brilliant idea of telling the whole world about my stupidity. If a fact is publicised it doesn't seem silly anymore.. A bollywood star had stomach ache once and the whole of India heard about it...but no one laughed. In fact they offered prayers for him. When I had stomach ache all my friends cracked a series of jokes...maybe if i had published the information on news they wouldn't have laughed so much. Anyway the fact is if I publish my stupidity as a blog it wouldn't be stupid anymore... it would be classified under creative thinking or literary piece of art or something like that nah??

So dear friends have you ever wondered what I'm thinking of when I'm in my "desp mood"?? ok... I know you haven't even thought about that question. But anyway I'll tell you... when the reality seems too harsh to cope with I go off into a world of fantasy. By fantasy I don't mean the kind of fantasy children see about houses made of chocolate or the kind of fantasy guys see about being surrounded by sexy gals who fall over them or the kind of fantasies gals see about their perfect prince charming. In my fantasy I see the world as it is.. I have the same friends and family around me(no extraordinarily hot guy in my fantasy unfortunately).

But the difference between reality and my fantasy is that in my fantasy people react the way I want them to. They talk to me in the tone I like. They look at me the way I like. They call me exactly when I want them to call. They come to me when I need them and they understand me completely. It is kinda like a parallel universe where everything is perfect.

There is a fine line between sanity and insanity. I jump across this line when I'm in my "desp mood". The world I find beyond this line is so beautiful and comforting that I feel like staying there forever. i think it is this world that we refer to as madness. If so wouldn't it be wonderful to be mad.. totally crazy??? Then I could exist in that beautiful world always and never come back to reality.

So what makes me come back? Why am I not totally crack yet?? The answer :because of my friends and family. Yes... I have such wonderful people around me that it makes my life beautiful even though its not perfect. I have friends and family who accept me even I'm weird..even when I freak out at them...even when I shut myself in.... I have people around me on whom I can always depend on..whom I can always trust and love.... and that's what makes reality beautiful...that's what keeps me sane.. love and friendship makes me wanna live forever..and keep me happy inspite of all my frequent "desp moods". So friends thanks for keeping me sane...

PS: My next "desp mood" will be when I see zero comments for this bog.. so for once all of you know the reason for my depression in advance..hehe.....

MY BLOG, MY SISTER, MY FRIENDS AND NOTHING MORE

2009-02-04T03:07:00.000-08:00

My friends read my sister’s blog/profile and said , “Your sis is so cool yaar… loved her flow of language… so different….” . Jealously crept into my heart as I heard this. I do love my sister and in fact I myself consider her really cool. But these are MY friends…they are supposed to say “Jeeta, you are so cool yaar” and not about my sister. So now I have decided to try out my sister’s abstract writing style and prove that I’m just as good at it as her… so there shradhz and kav brace yourself for a completely different blogpost….

My sister’s blog is weird, crazy and abstract. I am already weird so that’s easy. I’m writing this at 2:00am , I have my board practicals tomorrow and I haven’t even started preparation for that.. So that makes this totally crazy… And to make this abstract I’m gonna choose my topic as mosquitoes… Are you confused??? Yippee!!! That is the first symptom which proves that my blog is gonna be like my sister’s…

So mosquitoes…. The reason why I chose this topic is because I am right now being bitten to death by these winged disasters (Shradha thinks: “Come on Jeeta your sister never gives reasons for her writings.. You spoiled the whole thing dumbo!!”)…. Isn’t murder a sin? If so I’m the biggest and fastest sinner . I have killed almost twenty to thirty mosquitoes in around one hour. And still they keep coming. I think they like getting killed. So why do we kill mosquitoes? Because they bite us?? But they can live only on blood… don’t they have a right to get proper nutrition like all living creatures?? Well.. I think instead of killing them off we should try and control their increase… Preventing birth is better than killing the born (Isn’t that a really cool statement kav… it was a sudden inspiration… see… told ya I’m as cool as my sis…. ). Mosquitoes spread dengue, malaria and various other diseases which threatens the existence of mankind…..

Gosh!!! This is the dumbest thing I have ever written so far… my second standard compositions are far more sensible than these… hmmm… I guess I can’t beat my sister in coolness…. But now my jealousy has worn off and has been replaced by total admiration… It is indeed an unique ability to write the way you do… totally natural… words just flow out of you sis… wonder how you can do this… I have often told you how confusing your blogs are to me… and I never comment on them… but that’s because I could never grasp the true meaning of them.. I could never think so freely or observe things so closely… wonder if I ever will be able to write like that… and wonder if my friends would ever find my writings cool….

But you know sis I have one thing which you will never get - a truly rocking sister like you… a sister of whom I can be proud of…. A sister my friends admire… U ROCK SIS!! And kav and shrahdz thanks for making me realise this…. I was starting to take my sister for granted…. And I know we’ll be friends always even if you don’t find me cool… because both of you are cool enough for the three of us… and besides friendship is not just about being cool nah?? …. love you always buddies and you too sis… I’m so lucky to have you all…

Feeling quite contented after writing this blogpost even though it is completely pointless… and I have been bitten by more than a hundred mosquitoes…and my practical preparation situation is still zero…. I believe thoughts and relationships are much more important than even my board exams…. This blogpost (which was initially a strive to prove my coolness ) is dedicated to my sister and two of my friends(names mentioned above) who will be the only ones who can understand the real meaning of this blog since it was them who inspired me to write this.. So to all those others who accidentally started to read this and being polite couldn’t stop and leave, a huge sorry… I will post something general next time… this one is exclusively for, as I mentioned before , my friends and sis to tell them how much I love them and to thank them for everything…. Love you all forever…

My sisters blog links :
http://www.mikimbizii.blogspot.com
http://enantiomorph-mikimbizii.blogspot.com/

Do check them out.. They are really awesome… and also visit her orkut profile :
http://www.orkut.co.in/Main#Profile.aspx?uid=15782669082328939731

My friends orkut profile:
http://www.orkut.co.in/Main#Profile.aspx?uid=12823983064134037096
http://www.orkut.co.in/Main#Profile.aspx?uid=6378240847895142269

Do add them… they are really cool friends to have(of course only if you are lucky enough to be accepted like me)

Okay… now let me sign off and start my preparations… or….let me just go and sleep these mosquitoes are killing me!!!!

2008-10-04T02:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Terrorist,

Hope this finds you in good health and high spirits especially since your recent attacks in Delhi have been so successfully terrorizing. I’m writing this letter to ‘praise’ you about your achievements. You have indeed managed to live up to your name and created terror in our hearts.

Thanks to you thousands of innocent people have lost their lives…hundreds have been maimed for life. Your well planned and sudden attacks have torn families apart and spread misery far and wide. People have lost their near and dear ones so unexpectedly that coming back to normal lives seems virtually impossible for them.
You have bombed churches, temples and mosques and thus brought about religious conflicts in a country that boasts of secularism. You have managed to make religious, political and regional unity seem even more far fetched. You have shattered dreams… killed desires… and numbed feelings.

You have achieved exactly what you wanted - a terrorized world. A world where we live in fear every moment… where we are cautious every second… we glance with mistrust at every passing stranger… look with alarm at suspicious packages… We open the newspapers everyday to be greeted with horrifying news about your crimes. You have become our main topic of discussion.

But there is one thing that you achieved which ,I’m sorry to say, you will not be pleased to hear. In your constant strive to create disunity and hatred you have unknowingly made us better humans. At a time and age when critics say that the new generation have lost all sentiments you have instilled a whole bunch of emotions into our hearts. A sympathy towards your victims who are complete strangers to us… an awareness about how easily you can loose your loved ones which has made us treasure relationships more tenderly… a realisation of how short our life is and how fast you can deprive us of it which has taught us to live each moment to the fullest… and finally a common hatred towards you which unites us inspite of whatever differences you have created. In your endeavour to split us apart you have unfortunately united India.

You will continue to terrorize and horrify us with your acts but it will only unite us further… make us more sensitive… sympathetic… and considerate…. You have shown us that life is not just all party and fun but it also has loses and pains. Thank you for making us more mature.

Yours faithfully
One of your
possible future victims.

2008-08-24T02:27:00.000-07:00

MERE PAAS MA HAI !!!!

My mother's birthday is coming.... What should I buy for her? What do you buy for a person who has given their life for you? My usual gifts ... a salwar... a saree...a watch...seems so small a present to give to a person who plays such an important role in my life.
Well.... at least I can give you a different kind of birthday gift this year. So mom I dedicate this blog for you. A blog which reveals to the whole world how much you mean to me. I know that mere words cannot describe your beauty. But I'll try my best....

Anyone who sees my mother says that she's beautiful. She's tall, slim, fair, has green eyes and looks perpetually young ("age cannot wither her"). So she stands out in a crowd. Many of my friends have even taken her for my sister. Yes... She is beautiful. But the reason why "I" find her beautiful is different... even if she was short, fat ,old and dark I would have still loved her because beneath her gorgeous self which you see is an even more beautiful person.... a person who cares... who loves.... and most importantly a person who accepts me as I am....

I am a person with strange mood swings. I'm happy and jolly one minute and just a second later I become all moody and thoughtful. There are times when I just don't feel like talking even amidst a crowd. There are times when I feel so irritated that I shout at everyone in the vicinity. Because of this crazy character most people find it difficult to understand me. Some say I'm proud... some say I'm shy... some feel hurt because I don't look or talk to them one day or because I shout at them. Later I will have to apologize to them for my strange behaviour and only then will my friends accept me again.... But the only person who will still love me whatever I do or show is my mother... the number of times I have been rude to her is innumerable. Still she cares for me... loves me... and is always willing to listen to me (Gosh!! if I had a crazy daughter like myself I would have slapped her long ago) That's what makes my mother wonderful... she understands me... Whether I kiss her or shout at her she knows that I still love her..... Whether I talk nonsense or don't talk at all she will still love me... I don't have to apologise for my behaviour because she has already forgiven me....

After a day at school (and tuition) when I come back home we (mom and me) have a special time together... a time when I relate my entire day’s experience. It is one of the most boring things to listen to because I have an irritating habit of explaining each and every second in minute detail and a 17 year old's life story is not something exciting especially since my mother has already gone through that stage herself. But yet she listens with such patience and attention. She remembers all my friend's names... and all the silly incidents that I tell her. I share my fears... my aspirations... my dreams with her.... because she is someone who will not laugh at my wild ideas...

But there are times when I feel that I take my mom's presence too much for granted. I am so absorbed in my studies... my friends... my life...that I forget this awesome person who gave me life.... I am so busy telling mom about my day at school that I forget to ask her about her work... I am so busy asking her for help that I forget to see if she needs my help.... I am so busy relating my sorrows to her that that I forget to observe if she is feeling sad.....
Yet she loves me...why? How can someone love so unconditionally? People say that all mothers are like that. But no other mother has such a selfish and irritating daughter like me. Would anyone else ever love me as much as my mom???

I know that a simple sorry is not enough apology for the way I act towards you and I cannot promise that I will change the way I am... but all I can say is whatever I do... whatever I say... whatever I show... I will always love you.... you are my life... and without you I don't know how I would have lived so long (well... I wouldn't have been born without you). Sorry for all the times I have hurt you...and thank you for always being there for me....

I often talk about my mother to my friends...so often that many call me "mommy's pet". But I'm not ashamed of it. I love my mother and I want the whole world to know that she is wonderful. Be as great as you are always mom...

Happy Birthday Mom
Love you forever....

PS: All mothers are special... but obviously “I” find “mine” the best...

I, Me, Myself

2008-06-22T07:16:00.000-07:00

I hear ‘voices’ in my head. You may call it the voice of God, a psychological problem, ghostly presence or simply my conscience…

I saw a little boy on the train on my way back from an excursion. He cleaned our entire compartment floor. He then held out his hands for money. His attire was as dirty as the rag he used to wipe the floor. He was so thin and lifeless yet he wiped the floor with such vigour. Only his eyes shone brightly. I gave him five rupees and feeling very happy with myself I leant back in my seat…… then I heard it- the ‘voice’ I was talking about. It reminded me about the 10 rupees I had spent on an ice cream earlier in the day… about the 50 rupees I had spent on 2 pairs of earrings… about the 300 rupees I had spent on a jeans top from Westside…The 5 rupees that I had given the boy seemed silly. I tried to convince the ‘voice’ about how hot I was feeling when I bought that ice cream… about how I simply loved those earrings and how beautiful the top would look on my sister… Then the ‘voice’ told me I was selfish… I told the voice the very famous fact “if you pay one beggar well, all the beggars will pester you”. Then the ‘voice’ told me about how I could afford to pay all of them and reminded me of the amount of pocket money that still remained with me……

I got a mail about a child suffering from leukaemia. He had to undergo treatment but could not afford it. Donations were being requested. I forwarded it to 20 friends. Then the ‘voice’ spoke…… it asked me why I did not do anything for the child… I pointed out that I had forwarded the request to 20 people. The voice asked me how that would help the child. I explained how those 20 people would send it to another 20 people and so on. Finally the entire online community would know and eventually someone will help the child. Then the ‘voice’ replied “Why cant that ‘someone’ be you????”

I saw a movie “Taare Zameen Par”. It was about a boy with dyslexia. I cried…I felt sorry that there were such children in this world… I discussed the pathetic conditions of mentally challenged children with my friends… and I told everyone of how much I wished I could help such children…… then the ‘voice’ spoke again… “Why don’t you fulfill your wish??”. I asked the ‘voice’ how I could help them since I was only a child myself. Then it asked me in turn “Would you do it after you grow up??? Would you sacrifice your own aims and ambitions and work for such children?? Would you be willing to spent the money you saved for these children instead of buying the things you always wanted when you start earning??? Would you spent your free time with these children instead of going to movies and parties with your friends?? Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for them???”

I have learnt from this constantly pestering voice that I am not helpless but just can’t be bothered to be selfless. I give money to the poor, donate my old clothes and toys to charity institutions and discuss the pathetic conditions of the poor through debates and speeches… I do not go any further because going any further would mean giving up a lot of things. I talk of Mother Teresa who worked with the poor and I’m very much inspired by her work. But do I strive to be like her??? Do I imitate her gestures??? Her words??? I never get inspired by actors because I know they are just acting. Yet I know almost all Hindi dialogues and lyrics by heart. I even try mimicking their gestures. Why?? Because its fun memorising such things while being like Mother Teresa would mean sacrificing my life.
My ‘voice’ always tells me “You want to do it but you just won‘t”. I have plenty of excuses to throw at this irritating ‘voice’ - there are millions of people on this planet who need help and care. What difference can a single person like me make?? If I spent my time caring for the poor how can I get along with my life?? How can I achieve my dreams?? How can I reach where I want to be??
Yes… it always comes down to me.. I’m not willing to throw away the “I” from my sentences.. from my actions.. from my life…. I give priority to myself…. My dream is more important than those of the deprived…..
I know that the excuses I make to the ‘voice’ are pointless.. yet I cling onto to it in order to convince myself that I’m not selfish… At the end of the day as I count the good deeds that I did which include lending my notes, comforting my friend or helping the teacher the voice points out the number of people I ignored on my way who really needed my help… like the little girl wearing a torn dress who looked longingly at my gorgeous skirt… the beggar boy who stared awestruck at me while I chatted in English to my friends and the man who sits on the pavement to whom I just threw a 5 rupee coin from a purse jangling with money…..
I can hear the ‘voice’ now… it asks me why I don’t do anything inspite of realising all this. I once again excuse myself by pointing out that I’m writing a blog about it. The ‘voice’ asks me “How is that going to help the poor???

And the conflict continues……

Being a woman is divine

2008-06-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

You groan out “not another feminist article please…” as soon as you read the title and scroll down searching for something else worth reading. So for those few who are still reading this let me tell you that this is not an article on how much women suffer and how they are being oppressed by men and how women are better than men and blah…blah… blah…. It is just a summary of my short years as a woman and how much I love being one. What actually lead me to publish this blog is this scrap I received from a guy :
“gals r not free lyk guys r ...........!!!!!!!dey've da bloody restrictions
n den u'll start cryin n............oh shit.................. bloody hell........... "
So this blog is specially dedicated to this guy.
When I was born my dad distributed sweets among his pals and he was asked why he was doing such a thing since his child was “only” a girl. He was offered comforting words and wished better luck next time. As I grew up my parents were advised to start saving up soon because according to the society having a girl child is “expensive”. I grew up blissfully ignorant of such things in fact I didn’t even know the difference between boys and girls though I used to wonder why dad had a moustache while mom lacked one.
I was brought up in an “ultra modern” family where there was never any “this is how a girl should behave” talks . I was never reminded of how much a burden girls are to a family. I didn’t know why my relatives used to give “I feel sorry for you” looks to my mom when she told them that both her children were girls. My parents never told me what the society expects from a girl. In short I had a very carefree and “it’s great being a gal” attitude during my childhood. Since I was in a “girls only” school I could never compare my life with guys. And I had no brothers too.
When I entered my teens for the first time in my life I experienced eve teasing. Also a great friend of mine (a guy) suddenly gave me a love letter which made me think that I could never trust guys. This changed my attitude towards guys. So while my pals spent their high school falling over guys and discussing love stories I found it silly. During this time my teachers started giving talks on the proper way to be a girl and about how much girls had to suffer. Also all my friends were telling me how much they wished that they were born as guys. Girls who had brothers told me about how much more freedom guys had. But my parents had so far never curtailed my freedom so I used to wonder why these girls talked like this….
Later I joined a co-ed school. I found out after a long time that guys too can be great pals….and now I could compare our lives. Here again girls were wishing they were guys. I asked them why??? And here’s their reply……
Guys can dress how they like without getting comments. If a girl wears something cool she cannot walk half a mile without getting at least a minimum of five vulgar comments and sneering looks. But u never see gals standing in groups on the roadside commenting on the way guys dress. Guys can go out for all night parties. They can go to the most crowded place safely while we have to drag our dads everywhere or else carry a defence tool with us always.
Guys secure the top ranks in all entrance tests. Guys are given more opportunity to go abroad.
In short according to my friends being a guy is like having an ideal life….

But friends you told me about how much gals miss by not being guys… but have u ever thought about how much guys miss by not being girls….

A woman’s life is unique… we have the ability to feel…. To truly understand…. To create a life…. Can a guy cry openly and vent out his feelings? We are considered emotionally weak.. But a girl can suppress sexual feelings much better than any man…. We are considered physically weak. But no man suffers as much physical pain as a woman….
What we make of our life is decided by our choices. We can either accept the fact that we are women as a burden and live all our life in depression or we can discover how beautiful it is to be a woman and understand the true beauty of life. Girls do have a more challenging life than guys but that makes it more fun. Treat life as an adventure. Don’t be put down by what the society imposes on you. You are the creators of your own destiny.

I would never say a woman is superior to a man or vice versa. They are like two sides of the same coin. In our differences we unite. Creation of life is an emotional and physical union of a man and woman. A family is the result of a strong bond between a man and woman. Nothing can exist if we don’t unite. Girls should accept a boy’s life as different but not feel envious about it similarly a guy should also accept a woman's way of living. Only if we accept the fact that inspite of our differences we are our both equally important can we lead a proper life.

An article like this is usually concluded by a paragraph on how men should respect and accept women and treat them as their equals. But my advice is not to men but to women. It's women who curtail their own freedom. Women themselves believe that they cannot come up in life. They do not understand their own abilities and think that men are always better than them.
Never have such false notions. Consider yourselves as an individual with potentials first and then as a woman. Whatever we achieve or whatever we don’t is dependent on our talents and hard work and not on the fact that we are women. Boys secure more ranks in entrance not because they are boys but because they work hard. It’s an insult to give credit of their achievement to their gender. So break free from such discouraging thoughts. Don’t let scraps like the one I received let you down. Start living the way you wish to. And realise that no one can ever stand in your way to success…. (Coz its always “ladies first“.. hehe…)